


Currents

by Palomita_Quebrado



Category: South Park
Genre: Depression, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other, Polyamory, Slow Burnish, Trans Wendy (South Park), jelousy, stendyle - Freeform, stylendy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-05-24 20:24:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14961578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Palomita_Quebrado/pseuds/Palomita_Quebrado
Summary: Kyle is great at avoiding his problems, his crush on Stan, his hatred for Wendy, his own self loathing. They're easy to avoid and easy to ignore, but for how long?





	1. The Less I Know The Better

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my love, can't you see yourself by my side  
> No surprise when you're on his shoulder like every night  
> Oh my love, can't you see that you're on my mind  
> Don't suppose we could convince your lover to change his mind  
> So goodbye

  
It’s 11:56 PM when Kyle hears a loud tapping on his window. He was just beginning to fall into a deep sleep when the noise from outside had him quickly sitting up and praying to God that it wasn’t Cartman trying to get him involved in another one of his stupid schemes. But despite the tired ache of his bones, he proceeds to open the window anyways. He’s surprised to find Stan Marsh standing in his front yard, a shivering mess. 

  
Even with the darkness of the night, except for the few lamp posts that litter the street, Kyle knows instantly that something is wrong with his best friend. It’s not uncommon for Stan and Kyle to visit each other at such ridiculous times in the dead of night, it was something they had grown accustomed to and had eventually become a weekly ritual of theirs. However tonight is different, and the way Stan's voice breaks through the silence is proof of it.   
  
"Dude, can I come up please?" Stan knew he didn't have to ask, he knew the answer would always be yes, and he knew that Kyle would let him in no matter what, right? Then why would he ask?    
  
"Of course dude, come on up..." Kyle whispers into the cold bitter air, extending a hand out to his friend standing in the snow. Clumsily, Stan makes his way up, using the same tactic he always does and finally grabbing a hold of Kyle's warm hand.    
  
The first thing Kyle notices is the crimson red that rims Stan's eyes. He’s been crying, and he’s been crying hard. He looks absolutely terrible, his hat seems to have been thrown on, and his clothes have definitely seen better days. Stan is a complete mess, and it makes Kyle’s heart ache to see him like this, so broken, so defeated, so unlike the bright smiling Stan he adores.    
  
"Stan... Why- Dude what happened?" Kyle’s scared to ask, scared to know what or who hurt his best friend to the point of having him turn into this. Stan’s depression had gotten better ever since he and Kyle had finally decided to talk about it, and the thought that it might be coming back even worse than before plagued Kyle's mind. He swears to kick whoever’s ass he has to just to make sure Stan’s okay again.    
  
"It's Wendy... We... We broke up again" Stan sniffles loudly as he looks down at his feet to keep from crying again.    
  
Oh.

 

Wendy.

 

She and Stan were always breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and getting back together and so on. But it seems as if the older they get, the worse the breakups are, and this is definitely the worst Kyle has seen him.    
  
"Dude... I'm sorry.." The taller boy quickly reaches for Stan and wraps him tight in his arms. It’s enough for now. Kyle could tell Stan didn’t want to talk about this anymore, and this was definitely something Kyle didn't want to talk about either. It would just hurt them both to do so, though for a different reason each.    
  
Kyle swears he hates Wendy, but in reality, he doesn’t. She’s a great person, with a beautiful personality to match her outer beauty and a brilliant mind that even Kyle respects. She and him would even find themselves competing for the best grade and both seemed to share the same love for social issues, want for equality, and hatred of a certain fatass. Wendy is practically perfect in every way, and it doesn't take a genius to see how fucking head over heels Stan is for her. Who could blame him really?

  
Stan's sniffling soon quiets down into a soft snore and Kyle is left with a sleeping drooling teenager in his arms. Kyle can't help the way his heart flutters as his friend presses gently against him, practically cuddling him as he continued to doze off. A deep sigh leaves Kyle's lips, knowing far too well that it’s going to be a long night as he gently tucks Stan into his bed.    
  
  


 

 

* * *

 

 

  
  
Kyle isn't exactly sure when he found out he had feelings for his super best friend, but what he can pinpoint, is the exact moment he knew he wasn't as straight as he thought he was. Surprisingly, it wasn't some huge revelation, he didn't accidentally see one of his friends naked, nor did he just wake up and realize it. It just sort of happened.    
  
Reading had always been one of Kyle's favorite pastimes, even if Cartman and Kenny often teased him for it. He loves to especially read up on things he has no knowledge of, simply reading for the sake of learning something new. Often times he would go to the library and simply run his fingers down the assorted row of books, eyes shut, and pick the one he just happened to land on when he decided to stop. That day it had been a book on human sexuality. At first he was reluctant to read it, seeing as a middle schooler should preferably be reading Harry Potter instead of a book on the study of why humans are attracted to certain genders over others, but, Kyle loved learning, and he was definitely very curious about the contents of the book. So he began to read. 

  
It was incredible, Kyle had never known how complex and interesting the human mind was, especially when it came to something like attraction, and the more he read the more he was fascinated by the subject. One book just wasn't enough, and once he had read every book the library had to offer on the subject, he quickly decided to go onto the internet to do his own research. There were so many new terms and ideas he had never been exposed to before, and each one was so different and even more intriguing than the last. He was genuinely enjoying this new learning experience in a way he hadn’t since the first grade when he had found out about the endless wonders of space.   
  
Unfortunately as his mind expanded he found his thoughts wandering to his own actions and sexuality, even his gender. If it’s true that human attraction is much more complex than he had originally understood, how sure was he that he is what everyone else has perceived him to be? Especially now that he knew that straight wasn't the default, but simply the most common of sexualities? And how would his friends react to this knowledge? Did they know what it meant to be asexual or even androsexual? Why was he so fascinated by this? Was he gay? Would Stan hate him if he was? Would he stop being his friend?   
  
And the questions just kept coming.

 

Kyle decided not to think about it too much, but it was too late, the match had been lit and his brain was in flames. He continued to think about it as the days went on, and the more he became comfortable with himself and the new knowledge he had acquired, the more he realized that he wasn't as straight as he had originally thought. However he still liked girls, but if he thought about it, he wouldn't mind holding Stan's hand if he asked... All he really wanted was someone who would be his friend and love him no matter what, as cheesy as it sounded. Gender just seemed like a secondary concern, but the person themselves, now that was the real treasure. Who they were as a human being, as an individual. What were their interests and passions? What did they care about in life? What beauty lies inside them? And would they be willing to accept him for him, completely and entirely, without question? 

 

Kyle was only thirteen when he came to the realization that he was pansexual.   
  


 

 

* * *

 

 

  
  
Then, of course, came the inevitable.       
  
Rule number one of being queer, do not,  _ DO NOT _ fall in love with your straight best friend. It is absolutely the worst, most torturous thing you could ever do to yourself, it is vital to never do so or you will find yourself regretting everything you have ever done to have led you up to that point, at least that's what everyone on online forums had told Kyle. He was certain it would never happen to him, why, it had seemed like such a ridiculous idea at the time, to fall for Kenny, or even Stan? Of course that would never happen! Just because he isn't straight doesn't mean he’s automatically going to become attracted to whatever guy he just so happens to be closest to. 

 

But, unfortunately, Stan wasn’t just ‘whatever guy’, and it didn't just happen automatically. It was slow. It was so slow that it snuck up and bit Kyle right on his freckled ass when he least expected it. It was so slow it wasn't until Kyle would catch himself staring at Stan’s eyelashes for too long, or watching the way Stan would pronounce a certain word just a little bit differently than everyone else, or even just finding himself smiling at something silly Stan had done a few weeks ago that he realized he had a  _ big  _ problem. A big fucking terrible problem that was definitely going to fuck him over if he didn't do something about it soon. 

 

So he ended up doing what any other logical human being would do in such a situation. He kept quiet, and he stayed quiet ever since then. There was no way in hell he was ever going to tell Stan about this. Not at all. Kyle was certain that this was just a silly crush that would blow away in an instant. Maybe he had just been feeling lonely lately and Stan was the only person he knew could stifle his longing? Maybe it was just his stupid teenage hormones telling him it would be a good idea to kiss his best friend? Maybe he and Stan were just getting a bit closer because of all the problems he had been helping Stan with? Maybe? Hopefully? It really was just a phase?

 

But Kyle wasn’t dumb. He knew what attraction was like, he knew what lust was like, he even knew what loneliness was like, but this was something else. This was something entirely new and different and oh so very lovely. Kyle began to realize just how important his best friend was to him. Stan was his home, he always had been. Ever since they were small, Stan was the only person in the whole damn world that made any fucking sense. 

 

Stan was and is the only person who can truly understand him, even when he doesn’t even understand himself. Where would Kyle be without this stupid sad kid and his red poof ball hat? Who would he be? Definitely not himself, especially when Stan is such a big part of his entire being, but he supposes he never really noticed that until recently.

 

Kyle always thought love was supposed to be this great grand thing that finds you and lights a fire in your soul, but with Stan it’s so… gentle. He didn’t even notice the slow burn in his lungs until it was too late and his entire being was brought to ashes. He had crumbled, ever so slowly, and Stan was a soft breeze just waiting to blow him away to someplace better. He wants to fall apart. He wants to break. Only if it means doing so at the fingertips of his best friend.    
  


“God this is getting fucking ridiculous.” Kyle groans angrily into his pillow, trying his hardest not to wake the body next to him, but it’s getting quite difficult not to completely lose it when Stan looks so gorgeous, even with his blood rimmed eyes, drool, and red puffy cheeks. Kyle has never felt the urge to kiss someone so strongly before. He wants to kiss that dumb sad look off his face, he wants to play with his hair and tell him it’ll be okay, to tell Wendy to fuck off because the only person Stan needs is right here, right here in front of him. 

 

At least that’s what Kyle hopes. 

 

It’s now 4:37 am. and Kyle has given up on sleeping for good, it’s pointless to even try with Stan’s soft snoring blessing his ears. He hates this. He hates that Stan makes him so incredibly happy yet so incredibly sad and furious all at the same time. Though Kyle has to admit, it’s kind of his own fault for letting himself fall into this situation. He could always just tell Stan how he feels, right? No. No he can’t. That would be suicidal, not to mention incredibly selfish. Stan is hurting, Stan needs him, and Stan is definitely and undeniably in love with someone who is much better than Kyle could ever hope to be, not to mention the dictionary definition of a heterosexual. 

 

A loud ringing begins to fill the room, Kyle soon discovers that the noise is coming straight from Stan’s ass, but before he can do anything to stop it, Stan is quickly awake, unlocking his phone the fastest Kyle has ever seen, nearly falling out of Kyle’s bed just to answer the phone. 

 

“H-hello? Wendy?” Kyle has to stop himself from snatching Stans phone and catapulting it out the fucking window, but he cares too much about Stan to do so. ‘Is she really calling him at 4 in the fucking morning? I swear to god if they end up getting back together agai-’

 

“Oh, babe! I’m so fucking sorry! I promise I’ll be better! I know I can be! I can do anything if it’s for you!” Kyle thinks he might actually die right then and there just hearing those words ooze from Stan’s mouth. He scratches at his arms, trying to get rid of the itch crawling just underneath his skin, but it’s nearly impossible to reach. 

 

“Oh- What?” a pause. Three minutes. Five minutes. The itch is getting worse, Kyle’s arm is almost as red as his hair, but it’s not bleeding, yet. “Y-yeah! I can do that! That's a great idea babe! You’re so damn smart. I promise you won’t regret this! Y-Yeah! Oh.. he’s right here actually. Yeah. He’s staring at me?” Stan looks over at Kyle with bright eyes, incredible how Wendy can fix this sad boy’s heart just as easily as she destroys it. Then again, Stan does the exact same thing to Kyle. Kyle looks down at the scratches on his lightly freckled arm, as if he hasn’t been intently listening to their conversation the entire time. “Huh? Oh, yeah! I mean if you don’t mind dealing with Cartman’s bullshit. Mhm. Yep. YES!. I love you too babe! I swear, you will not regret this one bit! Ah! Thank you so so so so so much!” Kyle bites down on his lip hard, his eyes beginning to sting despite his best efforts to blink the tears away. “Goodnight Wendy… I love you.” 

 

Stan lets out a deep loving sigh, changing the entire mood of the room with just his bright crooked smile. Kyle on the other hand, can’t even bring himself to even look at his best friend, scared he might break just from seeing him so damn happy. 

 

Kyle loves seeing Stan happy, he really does, he just wishes he was the reason for that happiness. 

 

“Kyle, Dude! You will not believe what just happened!” Stan sits down next to Kyle, letting his hand rest on his taller friends thigh as he begins to tell Kyle his ‘good’ news.

 

‘Let me guess, you and Wendy are back together?  _ Again _ ?’ “W-what dude? It sounded good! Are things better now?” Kyle had gotten pretty good at pretending by this point, anything for Stan, even if it means keeping how he really feels to himself. Sure best friends tell each other everything and are always honest with one another, but Kyle feels that this situation is a bit different, and breaking the friends code just had to be done. He values his friendship with Stan too much to ever risk ruining it. Feelings be damned. 

 

“Can you believe it Kyle? She’s giving me another chance!” 

 

‘Oh, I can believe it.’ “Really?” Smiling hurt, but Kyle did it anyways.

 

“Yeah! And even better, we’re really going to try this time! We’re gonna be adults about this, talk out our problems, stop avoiding the issues, and be honest! All that good Doctor Phil shit! She said she’s been doing a lot of thinking-”

 

‘In three hours?’ Kyle tries hard not to scoff, but then he remembers  this is Wendy they’re talking about, that girl could be the next president of the United States if she wanted to with a brain like that. 

 

“-and she thinks she knows what’s been keeping this relationship from working! She wants to try and be part of our group! Ya know? Hang out with the guys and you two can try and bond, then maybe things won’t be so awkward anymore and I don’t have to choose you guys over her or vice versa! It’s genius!” It’s been so long since Kyle’s seen Stan’s eyes shine so bright. Kyle feels himself falling a little harder just staring at them, but the dull ache in his chest is making it hard to fully enjoy the view.

 

‘Wait. Wendy. Hang out with us? That’s a terrible idea! I’m going to fucking straight up die if I have to suffer through their gross kissy kissy face bullshit! At least previously I could easily avoid it, but now it’s going to be outright impossible!’ “Dude, that's such a good idea! I really hope it works out for you two!” Kyle can feel the itch on his arm rise up to his deltoid, but he knows scratching it won’t do him any good. 

 

“Shit! I gotta get going dude! Thank you so much Kyle, you saved my life again. I owe you big time.” Stan wraps his arms around Kyle, giving him one of the softest, warmest, most loving hugs Kyle has ever received in his short 18 years of life. He takes a deep breath, taking what he can before it inevitably ends. “I love you dude, I’ll see you tomorrow okay? You and Wendy are going to get along so well!” And with that Stan is gone, leaving Kyle feeling warm and fuzzy, all while simultaneously leaving a terribly acidic taste in his mouth. 

 

“I love you too, Stan.”

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Love/Paranoia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And suddenly I'm the phony one  
> The only one with a problem  
> True love it bringing it out of me  
> The worst of me, and I know now

 

In all honesty, Kyle enjoys school. Knowledge is a very important thing to him, and he’d even suffer through the terrible American school system if it means learning at least some cool facts about noble gas or whatever weird topic is being discussed in today's chemistry class. Of course Mr.Garrison's previous teaching methods had almost ruined the entire experience for Kyle, but once he entered high school, free of his old teacher’s questionable lectures (except for first period unfortunately), he was able to fully appreciate the wonders that came with learning something new. 

 

Today, however, he regrets ever getting up. His heart is beating in a weird disgusting rhythm he despises. He wants to end it, the thrumming in his ears is too loud and the worm digging underneath his skin just won't leave him be for even a second. He doesn’t want to see her. He doesn’t want to see them together. But he does want to see  _ him. _

 

He always wants to see Stan, but today he’s decided it would be best for his health to avoid him and Wendy at all costs, but he simply can't. Stan needs him, and he had unconsciously made a promise to somehow aid them with their relationship. He’s going to have to socialize… With Wendy Testaburger… And he’s going to put on a smile and listen to whatever stupid thing she's going to say, and he's going to be a good friend, and Stan will thank him, and tell him he loves him, and then he’ll go make out with Wendy on his couch or whatever the fuck they do. 

 

Of course only for Stan would he ever do this. Kenny is a close second, but he isn't Stan, and Cartman can hardly be considered a friend. He’s more of a deadly annoyance that simply follows them around and is impossible to get rid of despite their best efforts. Though at this moment Kyle would even consider hanging out with Fatass simply to avoid what is bound to be the most uncomfortable and anxiety inducing situation he’ll ever experience in his life. 

 

“Hey, ugly ass noodle head, breakfast is- ” Ike pauses at the sight of his brothers baggy eyes, his hair a tousled mess, and his nose a bright red. 

“Kyle, bro, what's wrong?”

 

Kyle simply shrugs, pulling his orange jacket over his head with a soft huff. 

 

“Please don't tell me it's Stan again, we talked about this! You gotta stand up for yourself bro! You can't just let him hurt you like this! Even if he doesn't even realize he's doing it! Come on Kyle! You're smarter than this!” For a twelve year old, Ike makes too much goddamn sense and it's getting kind of annoying. No kid his age should be that right about anything, but Kyle ignores it. 

 

“Please Ike, I don't want to talk about that right now.” 

 

“Um no. You don't even have to ‘cause I can just fucking tell by the look on your dumb face what the hell is happening. Stan and Wendy broke up  _ again  _ and you're stuck in the middle having to make him feel better all while your own feelings get pushed to the side.” Ike angrily crosses his arms, looking serious despite the terrible meme shirt he’s wearing. 

 

“Close,” Kyle's voice cracks, something he had not been expecting to happen, much less in front of his little brother. No matter how hard Ike tries to seem indifferent or cool, he loves his older brother to death, admires him, and wants nothing but for him to be happy. No wonder he’s always so angry whenever he has to see Kyle like this. It hurts. It hurts him to see the person he looks up to so much, so down. It hurts him to see his big brother broken, shattered, and defeated. 

 

“Then what Kyle? Would could possibly be worse this time?” The younger boy spits. 

 

Kyle’s never one to give up, he’s stubborn, he fights, he always fights, he’s a fiery freckled force with fire hair to match, and he does not give up. But the way he sits on his bed, fingernails digging into his rough pink palms, gesturing for his little brother to take up the empty space near him, it’s as if he’s an entirely different person. This isn’t Kyle. The boy seated on Kyle’s bed is someone else, someone who is weak, and empty, gives up too quickly, lets himself be pushed aside, doesn’t care for his own happiness, he doesn’t care to be right, he knows he’s wrong, he has given up. He has given up so easily, but only because it means  _ he _ is happy. 

 

_ Stan _ is happy. 

 

_ Stan is happy. _

 

“Kyle, dude, please talk to me.” His younger brother breaks the cold silence with a warm huff. “I’m worried about you. Please.”

 

And with a drawn out aching sigh, Kyle speaks. “They broke up, but then not even a few hours later, they got back together again, just like that! Can you even believe it Ike!? And then he tells me she wants to be my friend or something? That somehow her being a part of our “gang” will somehow help their obviously FAILED relationship!?” A frustrated grunt slips through his clenched teeth. “ _ How? _ ” A pause. “How can he be so  _ blind _ ?” A sob. “It’s like he doesn’t even care. Does he even care? I don’t fucking know Ike, but all I know is I don’t want to fucking deal with this shit anymore. I just want to lay in my bed and watch  _ Terrance and Phillip _ and cry for a bit. Is that so much to ask?” 

 

Ike doesn’t take a second to think as he wraps his arms around his older brother, holding him close and bringing him to his chest. “Kyle,” He bites his lip at the sight of his brothers bloodshot eyes, tears prickling at the corners, about to spill over fragile cups. He has to be careful with his words. He doesn’t want to be another reason for his brothers heartache. “You can’t keep letting him do this to you. You have to tell him what’s up. You gotta. If you keep letting him push you around like this you’re going to be miserable for the rest of your life bro! And you do not deserve that. Okay?”

 

“But he’s not doing it on purp-”

 

“Kyle. Listen to me. On purpose or not, he’s hurting you. You can’t deny that, right? I mean, no offense dude, but just look at you! You look fucking terrible.” Ike sighs, watching his brothers nose twitch as the tears trickle down his skin. “You can’t let this go on. If you don’t tell him, I will.”

 

“Ike, no. Please, I’ll tell him! I promise! Just…” Kyle looks down at his fingers. Were they always that long and freckled? “Just not now, okay? I gotta deal with this whole Wendy bullshit first.”

 

“Ya know you wouldn’t have to be dealing with that ‘bullshit’ In the first place if you had ju-”

 

“I know, I know. Just, please, give me time. I’ll do it. I promise.” He wipes at his face, his snot sticking to the sleeves of his jacket and his tears leaving wet splotches across it. 

 

“Canadian promise?” Ike glares. 

 

“What.”

 

“Kyle, do you  _ Canadian  _ promise?” Ike continues to glare into Kyle’s reddened eyes, serious and cold. 

 

“Dude, I don’t fucking know what-”

 

“Canadian promise dumbass! Canadian’s never break a promise, and if we do, we apologize to that person until we’re fucking dead. Do you, or do you not, Canadian promise? Jesus christ it’s like you were born yesterday.” 

 

Kyle lets out a deep sigh and with a wavering voice, “Yes Ike, I Canadian promise.” he lies to his brother right to his face. 

 

‘But it’s okay’, he thinks. 

 

‘I’m sorry, Ike’ always sounded better to him than ‘I’m sorry, Stan’.

  
  
  
  


Kyle is a shitty brother.

  
  
  


 

 

* * *

 

  
  
  


Avoiding Stan was something Kyle never really got good at. Through all their years of silly fights and heated disagreements, the two of them were never able to ignore each other for more than a day. They always found their way back in the maze, even when they were certain they were lost for good. Things would be so much easier if Kyle could just avoid Stan, avoid his problems, avoid any circumstance in which more of those pesky weeds could grow, and invade the dying garden in his heart. He realized, if he could avoid Stan, just avoid him till the day he was buried and done, then none of these problems would exist in the first place. But it is, as always, way much easier said than done, in fact, it’s impossible to be done. Kyle had tried a million and one ways to get rid of it all, but he failed every single time.

 

Stan is the source of his happiness, the source of his entire being, but also the source of its destruction. He’s his best friend, his  _ super _ best friend… but that’s the problem. He’s his friend, his best friend, and it ends there. Kyle wants more. Kyle wants what Wendy has. He longs for those shy shared glances, quick quiet kisses as they passed, gentle nervous touches, and Stans love. He wants Stan’s unconditional breathless love. 

 

In a way, Kyle has this, but not in the way Kyle wants. He’s selfish, he thinks. Selfishness however is something he always despised about himself, he always tries his best to be the most moral person in the room, but he’s certain he’s definitely more selfish than most. He’s supposed to be Stan’s best friend, yet here he is, wishing he could sabotage that relationship in the hopes of something more. Something he doesn’t even know Stan could ever possibly want, especially with the shade of blue his eyes turn when  _ she’s  _ on his mind. 

 

Kyle stands in front of his first period classroom, staring at the empty desk surrounded by a cloud of teenagers and his two good friends who have presumptively saved the seat for him. Of course one of those boys being Stan, who he’s trying his hardest to avoid at any cost, and simple yet wonderful Kenny, who has clearly busted his nose again this morning by the looks of the Hello Kitty bandages across his face.

 

The shaking in Kyle's hands worsen the closer he gets to reaching the doorknob. ‘No. No. I can't do this. Not right now. It's too fucking early for this shit… Too fucking early.’ And so Kyle allows his body to lead itself to the boys bathroom and lock him in the smallest stall he knows. Now, crying in a public bathroom in what is probably one of Colorado’s worst high schools is not something Kyle was expecting to occur, but as most things in Kyle’s life, it fucking did anyways without his permission.

 

He’s weak, he thinks. No. He knows. He can see it in the way his body shakes over some dumb thing that isn't even remotely important. But damn it, yes it is. It’s so fucking important that he can't stop thinking about it the second he knows what he’s even remotely feeling is. 

 

Stanley Marsh is the most important part of his fucking life. So damn important that he can't help but cry in the boys bathroom at 8:15 in the God forsaken morning. 

 

Kyle hates crying. It’s just another sign of his weakness, something he would rather not be reminded of twenty-four seven. It pisses him the hell off. 

 

His tear ducts, however, could care less about what their owner hates and do whatever they please, streaking and prickling at the freckled boys cheeks without a second thought. And apparently the person coming into the restroom at that exact moment could also care less about what Kyle wants, occupying the space he’s currently sulking in. 

 

Kyle tries to keep quiet; the one thing he hates more than crying is crying in front of people and he is not in the mood for any of that bullshit today. This is not his lucky day of course, and he’s reminded of this the second his nose sniffles without his consent,  _ loudly _ . 

 

“Hello?” 

 

A click clack of shuffling boots. 

 

Oh? 

 

The tall boy makes an effort to look underneath the stall door from behind his long bent knees, finding black decorated heeled boots, worn and washed out from the cold of the snow. These boots were made for the heat of dirt, but the owner wears them anyways. He wears them not for any logical reason, but simply because they were once his dad’s. 

 

“Davíd?”

 

“Kyle? Is that you dude?” Maybe Kyle isn't terribly unlucky, if he were to have anyone catch him embarrassingly crying in a bathroom stall he would certainly prefer it to be Davíd. He’s a good guy, and a great friend. In fact if Kyle thinks about it, he’s almost as close to this kid as he is with Stan and Kenny, just without all the terrible childhood adventures and shit. 

 

“Y-Yeah, it's me. Just um- ya know, Chilling.” Kyle forces out a laugh. 

 

“That doesn't sound very chill… which stall are you in? You're not taking a shit right?”

 

“No, not shitting, uh-” He doesn’t really have the strength to say no to Davíd, “third stall from the right” 

 

Kyle slowly pushes the door open with a weak creak, exposing himself to the short warm boy’s gaze. 

 

“Bro, you look like shit.” 

 

“Yeah, I know…”

 

The other boy sits across from Kyle, crossing his legs and tilting his head in curiosity. 

 

“What's the matter dude? You okay? Never seen you so down before.” 

 

“It's fine.”

 

Davíd scoffs. “ _ ¿Crees que soy un pendejo? _ Come on dude, I'm your friend, right? I'm here.” He places a warm hand on Kyle's knee. “I promise, no judging, even if it's about some girl or something.”

 

Kyle sighs. He sighs like it means nothing, but it means everything. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to just let it out to this kid. He can't tell Ike, it just doesn't feel right, but maybe he could tell Davíd. It still doesn't feel right, but it does feel a little less wrong. 

 

“God, I don't know dude, it's just, it's dumb. Like really dumb. Super dumb.”

 

“No, not dumb, especially if it's making you all sad like this, come on now  _ pecoso _ , I can tell you got a lot on your mind. You look like you're gonna word vomit any second, and I rather it be here with me than anywhere near that fatass who could use it against you.” 

 

Kyle smiles at that. Yeah, way less wrong. 

 

“It's Stan,” he leaves it at that.

 

“You mean ‘super best friend’ , ‘low key would die for him’, ‘so important to me’, Stan?” 

 

The taller boy nods.

 

“Shit dude, please don't tell me y'all got in a fight, cause when yin and yang start going at it, then you know shit is fucked.”

 

“We aren't yin and yang.” Kyle huffs and looks down at his old dirty shoelaces, how gross. “He and Wendy are yin and yang…”

 

Davíd raises his eyebrows, his mouth making a small ‘o’ as he slowly comes to a realization.  _ El pobre guëy está enamorado.  _

 

“Hmm, I don't know about that Kyle, you and Stan are sort of a package deal. What makes you say that?” 

 

Annoyed, Kyle spits “ I don't know dude?!? Everything! Stan doesn't want me okay? He doesn't want me like,” a crumpled fist. “He doesn't want me like  _ THAT.”  _ his eyes are stinging again. “He will  _ never  _ want me like that. Have you seen, god, have you seen the way he looks at her, like she's the fucking goddamn angel of the moon or some poetic shit like that. It's fucking disgusting. God. He makes me sick. I hate him.” Lies. “ He's such an idiot! He only cares about me when he fucking needs me. Like not fucking once has he asked me how I feel!” his eyes are closed now, he doesn't want to be here. “ And frankly I feel absolutely terrible! I love him so damn much and it's staring him right in the face and he doesn't even notice! Wendy is all he sees! Wendy is all he ever wants to fucking see!” His hands shake. “But all I see is him…”

 

“...”

 

“I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm sorry.”

 

Davíd tries to take it all in. He’s used to Kyle's random spurts of anger but he’s certainly never been on the recovering end of it all. It’s quite frightening at first but really all that lays underneath it is a sad small boy. “You're not an idiot.”

 

A soft sniffle.

 

“Hey, you are  _ not _ an idiot. Stan is.”

 

“What do you mean?” Kyle murmurs. 

 

“Well from the sound of it, he isn't being very considerate to how you're feeling right? Maybe you should tell him that, give him the old talking to, tell him what's up. He's your best friend after all.”

 

“I guess…” He sighs, still not convinced. 

 

“Besides, you and I both know Stan can tend to bubble himself up and not really notice the things that happen around him, so if something's up, you gotta tell the poor guy. He may be a sympathetic person but he's also kind of an air head which is a pretty sucky mix. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and just tell him man.” Davíd gently knocks his old boot against Kyle's with a soft tap. “I'm sure if he knew how much he was hurting you, he'd definitely be doing something about it. That guy loves you.” 

 

Does he though? Does he really? Kyle hates how convincing Davíd’s words sound, but he decides to blame it on his clouded mind rather than the fact that the kid is usually right about most things. 

 

“But what about Wendy…”

 

“Doesn't matter, this is between you and Stan, and your lack of communication. She isn't causing any harm. You gotta stop making excuses dude, talk to him. You'll feel better, I promise.” 

 

Kyle looks at him in defeat and sighs. “Thanks Davíd, I really needed this.”

 

“Eh, it's no sweat, it's good to just rant to someone sometimes, ya know?”

 

“Yeah, you're right.”

 

“I ain't busy anyways, you made my morning very interesting today, so thanks for that  _ pecoso _ .” Davíd gives him a toothy grin. 

 

“Guess I should head to class then.” The taller boy lets his legs carry him up off the floor and rubs the restroom dirt off his bony knees. 

 

“Guess you should.”

 

“Thanks again, I'll tell you how it goes I guess.”

 

“Good, I'll be happy to hear about it.” 

 

Kyle awkwardly makes his way to the door, not quite sure if a goodbye is warranted in a situation like this. 

 

“Oh! And Kyle just thought you should know, Stan isn't the only friend you've got.  _ Recuérdalo _ .”

 

As Kyle leaves the cramped confines of the restroom behind, he considers that maybe he should have taken one more year of Spanish that semester. 

  
  
  


 

 

* * *

 

  
  
  


Motivated, and somewhat inspired Kyle decides he still isn't up to confronting Stan just yet, but that's okay. He’ll just avoid him a bit longer until he absolutely has to talk to him. However when lunchtime comes along he still isn't quite sure if he’s ready. A promise is a promise though, so no matter how badly his stomach aches at the thought of seeing Stan, he knows he has to.

 

‘Now or never I guess.’

 

‘I wish it was never though.’

 

He grabs his lunch quickly, avoiding the gaze of every student, faculty and lunch lady that he passes by, and quickly finds his place near Kenny at the far left of the Cafeteria. 

 

“Hey dude! Me and Stan have been looking for ya all morning!  You sick or something? Cause that's fucked if you are. Also stay 30 feet away from me if you are I really don't feel like dying today.” Kenny jokes. 

 

“Huh? What? I'm fine.” Kyle draws in a long breath “Sorry. It's been kind of a rough day.”

 

“Oh?” 

 

“Yeah, nothing too bad though. I'm fine.” He picks at the greasy meal in front of him aimlessly. Maybe he should just eat the brownie they gave out today, his stomach isn’t feeling up to whatever sludge is sitting on his tray. Or maybe he should eat it anyways, he could get lucky and end up puking all over poor Wendy Testaburger’s cute outfit of the day. On second thought though, he isn't in the mood for embarrassing himself in front of Stan… Maybe some other time then.

 

“Hey Kyle, are you sure you’re cool? You kinda got this dumb dead look going on and it’s making me feel kinda depressed to be honest.”

 

“Kenny, that’s just his face. All Jews have a dumb dead look dumbass.” Cartman adds nonchalantly.

 

Kyle didn’t even notice fatass sitting across the table due to his unwell state of mind. He really wishes he hadn't noticed him though, Cartman's remarks would only make the upcoming painful situation even more painful and unbearable.

 

“Hey, don't like my face? Then fucking leave jackass. Go hang out with someone else for once, maybe Butters or Clyde, I’m sure they'd love to jack off to your degrading and disgusting comments.” Kyle can feel his bitterness sour further the longer he sat there.

 

“Damn Kyle, you really are in a pissy mood, holy fuck.” Cartman scoots a bit closer to Kenny in fear. 

 

“Seriously Kyle what the fuck is up,” Kenny stares down at Kyle, who simply avoids his gaze “Come on, you're even freaking Cartman out dude, like what happened? Did someone die or something? Like what the actual fu-” 

 

“Hey guys!” Kyle’s eyes shoot up to meet Stan’s. He’s smiling brightly down at them with Wendy standing right beside him. Gross.

 

Kyle looks back down at his half eaten brownie in disgust. Here it is. The moment he has been dreading. It’s only just begun and he’s already considering stabbing himself with the little plastic spork near his tray. 

 

He can feel the needles underneath his skin as they began to poke and prod, he feels the heat rush to every digit of his limbs, rage, anxiety, fear, sadness, but mostly fear. There’s something quite terrifying about the unknown. He doesn’t know what to say, what to do, what Stan will say or do, what Wendy might say or do, and in the end what will he say or do? Something he’ll regret? Something that’ll hurt Wendy? Hurt  _ Stan?  _

 

Maybe he should just keep his mouth shut. 

 

“Hey Kyle! Where were you during first, dude? You weren't at the bus stop this morning either, everything chill?” Stan smiles as he and Wendy took their seats across from him. 

 

So much for  _ that _ plan. 

 

“Oh, uhh… My alarm didn't go off for some reason, so yeah, sorry about that dude.” He scratches at his knuckles as he lets the tiny lies spill from his cracked lips.

 

“Oh? You could have text me dude! Wendy has a car now! It's so sweet! She comes to pick me up in the mornin’ sometimes, makes sure I wake up on time and stuff.” 

 

Wendy quietly wraps her arm around Stan's bicep, but not quietly enough in Kyle's opinion. “I wouldn't mind it!” She chirps. “Any friend of Stan's is a friend of mine! Ah- well except for Cartman of course.” 

 

“AYE! I heard you, you scrawny little bitch! Don't think you can just come over here with your boy toy and insult me! Go back to your lesbo squad and leave us men alone!” 

 

“Hey, quit it guys, Wendy's going to be hanging out with us a bit more now, all right? If you have any problems with it, you can talk to me about it.” Stan glares at Cartman. 

 

“Pfft, whatever, just make sure to keep her on a leash, I don't want your mutt biting me.” Cartman looks Wendy up and down with distaste before turning back to his food. 

 

Wendy scoffs at his comment but decides it’s best to just ignore him, especially with Stan’s gentle hand sitting comfortably on her back. 

 

Kyle can make out some of the soft words that slip from Stan’s mouth to her ear. “He’s not worth the time babe” “Don't care about him anyway.” “Not even my real friend.” “Love you” “He’s just being Cartman don't worry.” “Always like this” “Love you so much babe.” 

 

The needles bite harder, making their way to pierce his skin, wanting to leave his body, leave this place, making the hairs on his arms twitch and curl. He clenches his jaw, Stan always had the best intentions, he really did, but Kyle doesn't know how much more of this he can take.

 

In theory this isn't even that bad, they’re just sitting across from him, they have hardly uttered his name or called his attention. He has no reason to feel so out of place, no excuse for his negative emotions and yet Kyle can feel every micro movement they make. 

 

They’re harmless really, and he knows it, but rational thinking doesn't mix well with human emotions. 

 

He doesn’t look her in the eyes once as they sit there. He can’t. His eyes are only allowed small glances, but he spends most of the time staring blankly at his tray. Kyle tries to look at them for only a split second, but it’s too much. 

 

Her hair is ink dripping down a wooden canvas, and he hates it. Her lips are round and soft, peach kissed and sweet, and he hates it. Her laugh is a song he despises but sings along to anyways on a long summer car ride, and he hates it. Her skin is remnant of an Alphonse Mucha, watercolor, warm, drizzled with pretty flowered splotches she would never try to hide, and he hates it. He hates her. He hates her beauty, her peace of mind, her strength and her will, but the thing he hates the most, is the way her arm wraps around Stans like it’s home. 

 

She is an unwelcome guest, Stan is supposed to be  _ Kyle’s _ home sweet home, but instead he’s cluttered shared apartment with a roommate he can never get rid of. 

 

_ He hates it. _

 

Kyle feels Wendy's attention turn to him. He hopes that she’ll be able to decipher his distaste with the situation, but of course she doesn’t know him well enough to notice. “So, Kyle, how have you been? I feel like we haven't had a nice conversation since the fourth grade or something!” She chuckles.

 

‘And I would like it to stay that way, thank you very much.’

 

“Yeah, guess so. Just haven't had an opportunity for it.” Kyle shrugs. 

 

“You would think we’d be closer friends” a soft laugh, “I mean, Stan’s your BFF, and i’m his BGF, isn’t there a whole spice girls songs about this?” 

 

“Well, you’re already his lover, so I guess this is your chance to get with me.” He’s surprised by his own joke and it’s clear Wendy is even more surprised by it than he is as she begins to chuckle with delight.

 

“Are you flirting with me Broflovski?” she leans in with a devilish smile. 

 

Kyle doesn't know how to feel about this. He’s disgusted, but okay, and also strangely amused, but also very frightened, but mostly disgusted. “M-maybe?”  

 

A small crooked smile spreads across Stan's face as he watches Wendy smirk at Kyle's somewhat joking remark. God, he looks so happy. 

 

Kyle is so damn in love with that smile. Talking to Wendy is definitely not that torturous if he gets to see something like that come out of it. Jesus Christ does that boy even realize how gorgeous he is just sitting there doing absolutely nothing, even if he is looking at both Wendy and Kyle, not just the latter. But oh well, the redhead will take what he can get. Even if that means having to talk to Wendy for twenty-seven minutes. 

 

‘This isn’t so bad.’

 

And it really isn’t, Wendy leads the conversation for the most part, and Kyle doesn't have to worry much about saying the wrong thing. His skin doesn't stop itching but it doesn't get any worse, a small victory. 

 

Before he knows it, lunch ends and so does his torture. “Oh Kyle wait! Let me give you my number!” 

 

However the taller boy is already beginning to stand to make his way for the exit as she begins to fumble through her backpack. Talking had been nice and all but he’s ready and anxious to burst through the doors. Kyle uses the crowd to his advantage and quickly finds his way to the door. He swears he hears her continue to shout after him as he fleas, the door of the cafeteria swinging closed behind him. He’s certain he hears Stan too, maybe even Kenny. 

 

He doesn’t look back.

  
  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  
  


There are certain things in a person’s life that always seem to find ways to bring about comfort; a peace of mind. It could be a story, a place, a song, or the presence of another. For Kyle it’s this. The delicate crunching of warm colored leaves and Stan’s steady breath as they walk the familiar path towards home. For Kyle it holds a sort of irony. They could be walking to any destination, imagined or real, and he would still feel as if he were walking home as long as his best friend was with him. 

 

Today is no different, even if it has been quite a tiresome eight hours. Kyle is surprised he hasn’t broken down yet, well except for the bathroom situation in the morning. Nonetheless things aren’t as bad as his mind has brought him to believe they would be, but even so he finds the berating thoughts in his head a bit bothersome. An annoyance really. 

 

“You okay dude? You’re really quiet today?” Stan’s question didn’t register at first, but after a long minute of silence Kyle somehow manages to respond a mumbled “Fine.”

 

“You sure? You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind dude, sure you don’t wanna talk about it or anything?”

 

Kyle sighs. He considers it, Ike’s words flashing across his mind like a bright neon sign, then Davíd’s. He isn’t ready. He still just isn't ready. He can’t.  _ He can’t.  _ Not yet, it’s still too soon. Kyle doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready. The fear of losing this, of losing their friendship, of losing Stan. It’s too much. He can’t. He just can’t.

 

“Come on Stan, you know I’d tell you if something was wrong. We’re Super Best Friends remember?” Kyle manages a smile.

 

“I know, I know. Just want to make sure you’re okay is all. Care ‘bout ya dude.” Stan bumps their shoulders together and Kyle swears at that moment that he would let the truth spill from his lips.

 

Luckily the loud crunching of leaves brings him back, ‘Not today’ he thinks. 

 

‘I can’t today.’

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Yes I’m Changing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was raging, it was late  
> In the world my demons cultivate  
> I felt the strangest emotion but it wasn't hate, for once  
> Yes I'm changing, yes I'm gone  
> Yes I'm older, yes I'm moving on  
> And if you don't think it's a crime you can come along, with me

 

 

Kyle allows himself to become lost in meaningless literature, letting the text drown out the intrusive thoughts clawing at his head. There truly is nothing like a long flowery chapter from his AP History class to help keep him from getting lost inside the endless pestering weeds of his mind.

 

Most people hate homework, but Kyle finds peace in it. It’s simple, easy, there’s always an answer, no matter what. His favorite however is math. Just use the right formula, do the equation and solve the problem. Easy. No unnecessary thoughts or unwarranted emotions. Just numbers. Numbers and symbols, and if things ever get too difficult, the answers are always on the third to last page of his book.

 

‘If only life were that easy.’ He sighs and lets his head lay back against his pillow, getting a bit too close to hitting the wall of his bedroom. Though he probably should just accept it as another near disaster that could have occurred today.

 

His eyes roam across the words of his textbook aimlessly, letting the information just barely settle into his subconsciousness. His room is always quiet. He feels his eyes get heavy. Maybe a nap wouldn't hurt. Naps are good. Sleep is good. No worries when one is sleeping. No worries at all.

 

He lets his eyes flutter shut.

  
  
  

 

* * *

 

  
 

A loud buzz. The buzzing grows louder. Who in the world could possibly be trying to text him at this time of day? 4 pm.? It’s much too late for socializing! He groans.

 

Kyle regrets not having put his phone on airplane mode but decides to reply to whoever decided to disturb him from his near nap. Perhaps it’s Stan, then he definitely wants to respond as soon as possible. Or maybe it’s just Kenny asking for a copy of the homework again. It would only take a second to send him a picture. However it could be Cartman and Kyle isn’t very enthusiastic about anything _he_ has to say, especially right now.

 

But then again it could be Stan.

 

Kyle quickly unlocks his phone only to find that his message is from an unknown number. Well that's different, Kyle doesn’t remember giving anyone his number recently.

 

**Unknown** : Hey, how are you? ʢٛ•ꇵٛ•ʡ

 

Well at least they seem to text properly, although the emoticon is certainly an interesting touch.

 

**Kyle:** Sorry but who is this?

 

Kyle doesn’t know if he’s really in the mood for an unwarranted conversation with a stranger, especially when his pillow feels so welcoming. But something in his stomach is making him feel uneasy. Suddenly Kyle feels very on edge.

 

**Unknown:** It’s Wendy silly!

 

‘Shit.’

 

**Kyle:** What? How did you get my number?

 

He tries hard to keep from sounding annoyed, but he doesn't know if he succeeds. For some reason he feels very angry all of a sudden.

 

**Wendy:** I'm sorry are you busy? I didn't mean to bother you. Stan gave it to me, he said it was okay to text you whenever. Is now not a good time? I can text you later.

 

Goddammit, he should have known it was Stan. Clueless and sweet Stan, always meaning well but never knowing just how much he’s fucking with his poor best friends heart. Kyle can't say no to her now! Stan will be so disappointed if he denies Wendy's request at a conversation. Besides it’s only texting. No face to face conversations or long awkward silences. It’ll probably just be a five minute endeavour of asking each other how they are before moving on to “goodbye”s and “see you later”s. No sweat.

 

**Kyle:** No, It’s okay. I was just doing some reading. What’s up?

 

**Wendy:** Doing some homework as well. Are you doing the reading for APUSH?

 

Kyle forgot that they had so many classes together. Why do they both have to coincidentally be the most aggressive intellectuals at school?

 

**Kyle:** Yeah, just finished it. Been trying to figure out this week's math homework, I think I might have taken down the notes wrong.

 

**Wendy:** You did seem a bit out of it today during class. If you want I can send you a pic of my notes? What number are you on? We could do the homework together?

 

Curse Wendy Testaburger and her disgusting kindness. Kyle doesn’t want help, no, he doesn’t want _her_ help. However he does want a 4.5 grade point average on his report card to bring home and show his parents, so Wendy’s help is what he’s going to have to take.

 

**Kyle:** Sure! That sounds great, thank you very much!

 

**Wendy:** Hmm, it's a lot of pages though. How about I call you? That’ll make things so much easier! Just give me a sec to find my earphones!

 

Oh no. Oh god no. Kyle can feel his ears start to ring. This is not okay. Not okay in the least. He thinks about chucking his phone out the window, letting it fly across the yard far and wide and away from here. Perhaps he could drown it in the toilet, gurgling as he flushes it down down down the drain. What if he gets a hammer from his father's garage and smashes it to pieces? It could be fun and maybe even a little bit therapeutic. Oh! He could take out the batteries, put them in a blender with a few ingredients and put it on the highest setting until the machine itself breaks then throw the contents away along with it. He could put it in the dishwasher. He could feed it to one of Cartman's cats. No. What if he first throws it out the window then smashes it with the hammer then puts it in the blender then feeds it to Cartman’s cat then puts the cat in a crate then puts the cat in a plane and sends it to-

 

A loud buzz.

 

Not his ears.

 

No.

 

The phone.

 

Kyle picks up, forgetting his plans and subconsciously ends up doing the exact thing he was setting himself up not to do. Maybe he was just hoping it was Stan again.

 

“Hello?” It isn't Stan. “Kyle?”

 

He just can't find the strength to respond, but he manages to somehow at least make a small grunting noise.

 

“Hey? You okay? Maybe I shouldn't have called,”

 

Silence.

 

Kyle hears her exhale and then utter a soft “Shit.”

 

“Um, hey listen? Can I be real with you for just a second?”

 

He tries again to speak but his vocal cords fail him once more.

 

Kyle hears Wendy shuffle through the phone, a clearing of her throat, then a sigh.

 

More silence.

 

Then finally, just as Kyle is about to seriously contemplate hanging up, the silence is gently pushed away.

 

“Look, I just wanted to apologize in advance, I mean, I know this is probably so weird for you, especially since it feels as if we're constantly competing for Stan's affection,” Wendy is much too smart for her own good, “But I want you to know, that I don’t nor do I ever want that to be the case. Stan loves you very much and I never _ever_ want to get in the way of that.”

 

Kyle has no idea how to even begin to form a response to that. He doesn’t even know if he can, but he somehow finds it in himself to mumble a thanks, hoping the subject will change back to algebraic equations and not whatever this is.

 

“I'm serious, I could never compete with what you and Stan have, and I don't plan on it either. I respect you Kyle. You're a kind and intelligent person who’s clearly very important to Stan, whom I love. So what I guess I'm trying to say is that by default, I love you too? If that makes any sense.”

 

Shit. He didn't think it could get any more awkward but somehow it just managed to escalate to Wendy Testaburger telling him she loves him.

 

Oh god, why.

 

“Ye-Yeah yeah, that makes sense, thanks Wendy. I um- really appreciate it. But like don't worry about that sort of thing. It's cool, I promise. Let's just uh focus on these math problems yeah?”

 

Please dear god, please let her just drop it.

 

“All right, but if you ever like, want to talk about it- well whatever, yeah, math! Let's do it!”

 

Thank goodness.

  


 

* * *

 

  
  
 

Kyle didn’t think it was possible but somehow they’re able to settle into a comfortable rhythm. He didn’t realize just how incredibly well they work together, to every question he has Wendy has an answer, and when she’s the one in need of help he’s right on beat with his own response. A sort of peace has made itself at home around them. Wendy’s voice is somewhat soothing against his ear now, a low voice that beats against his cheek as he nestles his phone against the side of his face. The more they talk, hours passing, the less Kyle thinks about the weeds and thorns in his heart.

 

Just this once Wendy isn’t his sworn mortal enemy. She’s an intelligent and striking student with a GPA to rival his own, no relation to Stan or Kyles broken heart. Just a fellow classmate with whom he is studying with. Nothing more and nothing less.

 

Such peace in that thought.

 

“So what you're saying is that it couldn't possibly be that solution because of the number of exponents given?” Kyle erases his small miscalculation and quickly fixes it, finally having solved it thanks to Wendy's help.

 

“Yep! It would have to be something much larger.”

 

“Oh shit! Duh! I didn't even notice that number over there, thanks dude! You're seriously the only person that can call me out on this shit in math, thank you.” Kyle chuckles as he boxes his answer, certain of it now.

 

“Hey, it's no big deal. You'd do the same for me!” He can practically hear her smiling through the phone.

 

“So glad that's over with, Ms.Saldaña gives way too many math problems to the honors kids. I've heard she gives the other kids only one fucking page of homework a day.” Kyle lays his head back against his pillows, exhausted after three hours of equations and trig.

 

“Really? I heard sometimes she doesn't even give them homework! Lucky bastards.”

 

“I know right!” Kyle feels himself laugh, really laugh for the first time in a long time. It’s weird, but nice. He doesn’t even have a reason for such laughter but he can’t help himself, he just suddenly feels so content. And soon Wendy's laughing too and he finds he doesn't hate the way it sounds as much as he thought he would. It has a nice cute little raspy sound to it. It isn’t like Stan's hearty chuckle by any means, but it’s kind of quirky and strangely endearing.

 

“God, I never realized how many classes we actually have together? You're in the Speech and Presentation class with me in 4th period right?”

 

Kyle questions the sudden change of topic but it's nice knowing Wendy also isn't one to beat around the bush. Especially since he knows if they stop moving forward then they might have a repeat of what happened earlier… No thanks.

 

“Yeah, I sit on the other side of the room.” For obvious reasons. “Why?”

 

“Oh! I was just wondering what you were going to do your topic on for the midterm? I know it's not due until a few more months, but I was just curious.”

 

“Well she said we could do any sort of topic right? As long as it’s something we're interested in?” Kyle already knows the answer, but for some reason he wants to hear Wendy’s response. She’s like icey pink lemonade when she speaks, refreshing, cool, and absolutely addictive.

 

“Yep! It’s so nice having some freedom for once, I was getting tired of having to recite old presidential speeches. I mean don’t get me wrong it's nice and all to learn some history but god it's so exhausting when it’s all we read for months.”

 

“I agree, we hear enough about old dead white dudes in our other classes. It can become so repetitive”

 

Wendy chuckles. “So, have you decided on your topic yet or?”

 

“Well, I was planning on leading a discussion on human sexuality, since its a subject I’ve been interested in for a while, but i'm unsure whether it would be of interest to anyone else but me, ya know?” Kyle can’t believe he's being so open with her. If it had been a few hours earlier he would have surely cussed her out by now, telling her to fuck off and wishing her dead. Yet here he is, happily responding to her questions without a second thoughts notice. He’s so lost in the rhythm of their conversation. It’s just such an easy beat to follow, and he just _has_ to hum along. How could he not?

 

“Are you kidding me? That sounds like such a great topic! It’s actually really similar to mine!”

 

“What, really?”

 

“Yeah! I’m doing mine on gender identity and how it differs across various cultures and histories. You gotta do your topic! I’m excited to see how you present it! Somebody's gotta educate those cis straights ya know what I mean?” A laugh. “Oh! You have to tell me more about it! What specifically are you going to focus on? Are you planning on showing any videos along with your slideshow? What made you decide choosing this topic by the way?”

 

If Kyle could see her now, he knows she would be bouncing in her seat with a huge smile painted across her face. The thought itself enough to bring the corners of his own lips upward.

 

He chuckles. “Well you gotta tell me why you chose your topic too! I’m pretty interested to see what you have to say about such a recently controversial topic in our modern society.”

 

“Controversial my ass! Gender is a social construct invented by the White Man to colonize indigenous people, take their land, and force religion on them! Those are the facts Kyle Broflovski! Get woke!”

 

Now Kyle is the one beaming, his face hurting now with how hard he’s smiling. He swoons dramatically. “Where have you been all my life?”

 

“In the closet obviously.” She snorts. “You?”

 

“Honestly, right in there with you. We _really_ should invest in a walk in closet.”

 

She’s laughing hard now, a bright happy sound that rings cheerfully in Kyle’s ear, and soon he’s laughing along with her. His hand grips at his abdomen as he tries to keep his lungs from jumping out of his chest in excitement. Their laughter forms a lively melody. Kyle is certain it will become his new favorite song.

 

Hefty breaths, and broken chuckles become quite giggles, and soon they are exhaling lightly, as if the weeds were plucked one by one with each hearty laugh that shook Kyle’s ribs.

 

“Wait, wait, wait.” Wendy struggles to speak through tiny bursts of giddiness, but manages to do so anyways. “So does this mean you’re gay? Cause I sort of had you clocked as bi or something ‘cause you don't really seem the full on gay type to me.”

 

“Oh, no. I’m uh- I’m pan.” Kyle can’t believe what he’s saying. He’s only really truly talked to Wendy for the first time a few hours ago, and now here he is coming out to her as if they were good longtime friends. Yet it feels so good to finally say the words that had been resting upon his lips for so long. The words that were technically meant for Stan.

 

“Wait! You’re telling me that _you’re_ pansexual?”

 

“Uh... yeah.”

 

A delightful giggle. “I knew it! I _knew_ it! I said to myself, no way in the world is that boy straight! He is much too smart for that nonsense, and I was right! Hah!”

 

“W-what, um, what about you? Are you... you know?” He gestures vaguely despite her non existence in the room he sits in.

 

“Oh! Well,” A small hum. “I’m not really sure in terms of sexuallity, but I know for sure I’m not entirely straight. However one things for certain, I am most definitely not a girl.”

 

‘What?’ Had Kyle heard her right? Did she say she wasn’t… well, a she?

 

“Wait… ” Kyle hadn’t really expected that. Wendy had always seemed incredibly stereotypically feminine to him. Well except for the bathroom incident in fourth grade, but he never really thought much about it. It had only lasted for that one week and as soon as the next week rolled by, Wendy was back to being same old Wendy. No one mentioned it again and she certainly never made an attempt to talk about it, at least not that Kyle is aware of. It was such a brief moment that he hadn’t even remembered it until just now. But the more Kyle thinks about it the more it suddenly begins to make sense. “Holy shit.”

 

“W-well I don’t really identify as a boy either.” A nervous laugh, light and airy and so so shaky. “I’d say I’m more along the lines of genderfluid… somewhat nonbinary, but mostly fluid. Really really fluid.”

 

Kyle is quiet. He had not been expecting to come out to _Wendy_ of all people, especially not today!

 

Suddenly, he doesn’t know why he brings it up, but he does.

 

“Have you told Stan?”

 

‘Shit.’ Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything at all, but it was just so easy to fall back into her rhythm.

 

“Umm… no. H-have you?”

 

“Ah… no.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Kyle can’t stop his tongue, the drumming in his heart has him cuffed now, and suddenly Wendy is there with him. They are both heavy in their heart beats, and neither had realized just how much their pulses had been weighing them down.

 

If they weren’t friends before, they were certainly friends now.

 

“Why haven’t you told him? You’re like his best friend in the whole world? If anyone would understand it’s him.” She, no, _they_. They make it sound so easy.

 

“It’s complicated…” He sighs. “What about you? You’re his girlfr...uh partner, I would think he would have already known by now?”

 

“Oh… I don’t-” their voice is trembling. He can hear them falling apart through the static of their phone call. “It’s hard, ya know? It’s so fucking hard, and terrifying, and I can’t stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong, or the idea that he could hate me. What if he feels like I’ve been deceiving him or something? I just…” Kyle is certain he hears a sniffle. He feels his heart begin to ache.

 

“Hey, _hey_ …” The tiniest and most fragile of whimpers. “It’ll be okay…” A hiccup “Hey…he loves you, you know that? He loves you so much, trust me. It's okay, it's okay.  He loves you so very much…” Kyle’s own voice begins to shake along with theirs. He hadn’t realized the room had become so quiet, so still. Nothing to be heard but the sound of two broken souls cracking under the pressure of their own consciousness.

 

This is not easy. Kyle is trying to comfort her, but instead he only manages to make himself feel worse. Why did he have to feel so bad about this? Why couldn’t he just go back to hating them? Why did he decide to answer their phone call? Why did he even agree to talk to them during lunch? Why had he hated them in the first place? He just wanted to go back to it, back to things being simple. When his hatred was the only emotion he had to feel, even if it was nonsensical. But it’s too late. Wendy has done something to him. He doesn't know what, or when, or even how, but he can feel it. Kyle can feel it in the strum of his heart strings, and the beating of his heart. It’s too fucking late.

 

“Kyle... are you okay?” Wendy brings him out of his head. It is then that he realizes he has gone completely silent, the few tears that have spilled from his eyes the only sound left. He quickly wipes them away, and makes haste to change the tone in his voice.

 

“Y-yeah i'm fine! I just sort of have to get going, my moms calling me for dinner.”

 

“O-oh! Sorry, I didn't mean to hold you up.”

 

“Nah, nah, it's okay! I'm glad we got to talk,”

 

“Me too. Thank you so much for all your help by the way. It was very... nice.”

 

“Yeah, it was...” He sighs.

 

“It’s nice to have someone to finally tell this to. You're kind of the first person I've come out to.”

 

“Wait. WHAT? Seriously? You haven't told anyone else but me? Not even Bebe?”

 

A small chuckle. Kyle is suddenly glad to hear it, and hopes it means they’re feeling better now. “Nope! Not even Bebe.”

 

“Damn… Well, you're kind of also the first person I've ever told, besides Ike, but he doesn’t really count.”

 

Another chuckle. Yep, they’re feeling better.

 

“Man…How fucked is that?”

 

“I know huh?”

  


“Yeah...”

  
  


“Yup...”

  
  


“Well goodnight! I hope we can talk again soon! Thanks again! Hopefully you have a good dinner.” Wendy's voice is sweet against his ear, and for a second he thinks he might even miss it.

 

“Y-yeah, it was no problem, see ya.” And with that Kyle hangs up the phone and gently places it to the side.

 

‘Well that was… something.’ He lets out a long drawn out sigh. His mom hadn’t really called him for dinner, but he is suddenly feeling very hungry. They must have talked for hours together. It’s already seven thirty-four.

 

He decides to lay in bet for a bit longer however, letting the conversation replay in his head again and again. A song on repeat. Their laugh, the way they pronounce their “r”s, it was such a small thing, but Kyle just can’t stop thinking about it.

 

It is then that Kyle stumbles across a thought, a thought he would never had believed would come into his garden; he _likes_ Wendy.

 

No, Wendyl?

 

No, no, _Wends_?

 

Yeah, Wends, just like his favorite day of the week.

 

Kyle likes Wends. He likes them a lot.

 

And he hates it.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Let it Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All this running around  
> Trying to cover my shadow  
> An ocean growing inside  
> All the others seem shallow  
> All this running around  
> Bearing down on my shoulders  
> I can hear an alarm  
> Must be a warning

  
  
  


‘Shit.’

 

He had tried so hard to hate them, but now he just felt... Lost. Wendy, no, that's someone else, Wends isn’t quite what he had expected. Of course they weren't entirely different, and Kyle knew things about them, some aspects of them, but they were always just fragments. He had tried to fill in the remaining pieces of them but he had been much too negative in his approach in doing so.

 

They’re stubborn yes, and intelligent, and quite a force, but they also have doubts, they’ve never had a chance to really be themselves. In a sense only Kyle and Wends really know who Wendy really is. They had been hiding such a big part of themself from everyone, Stan included.

 

Kyle doesn't know what to do with the fact that he’s the first to know, the first to really see the person hiding behind black tangled bangs and long thick hair. Maybe the reason he had really hated them was because he had never even given them the chance to introduce themself to him.

 

No, no, that’s a lie. Why, it was painfully clear to see what the real reason had been for Kyle’s hatred. He is selfish, he is vengeful, he is painfully jealous of them and everything they have. He just wants Stan to himself.

 

Kyle can feel his internal organs rearrange themselves, disgusted by his existence. How could he have been so selfish? All the negative thoughts that had crossed his mind in reference to Wends, all the names, the remarks, he had been trying to destroy them in the safety of his mind. Of course they couldn't hear the thoughts in his head, so the words could never have directly affected them. But that wasn't the point. Kyle had indirectly hurt them, and he knows this. He had been distant and rude, quiet whenever they had even tried to make an attempt at climbing the wall he had so eagerly built.

 

Davíd was right, Wends has done nothing wrong. Nothing wrong at all, but merely exist near his space. They love Stan, just as Kyle does, but it isn't their fault. Feelings can’t be helped, only restrained and bottled up. Who is he to ask Wends to keep quiet? In fact he could learn a thing or two from them. He’s the one who’s keeping his feelings in the dark, Wends is simply being honest and loving towards Stan. All he’s done is push him away and hide.

 

Kyle sighs.

 

He doesn't deserve Wends’ kindness, much less their friendship.

 

He feels anger, and pure hatred, but no longer towards them. It was probably never really towards them anyways. No, its always been him against himself, and no one else.

  


 

* * *

 

 

 

 

School doesn’t seem so terrifying this time around, in fact Kyle feels a sort of curiosity, maybe even a hint of excitement. Last night had certainly been… interesting, and Kyle could feel a restlessness begin to spark at his core. Things are different now, like a shifting in the tectonic plates of his soul, causing his reality to crumble. Perhaps this is the true state of the world, and instead it’s the walls shielding his heart that are beginning to crumble. Whatever it is, Kyle feels different, it all feels different, and maybe the people around him are beginning to change too.

 

However one thing always manages to remain a constant. “Hey bro? Feeling better?” Ike peeks into Kyle’s room without warning, at least respectful enough to not barge in as per usual. “You look better!”

 

“I do?” He certainly feels better, but his confusion only seems to grow.

 

“Yeah man it even looks like you’ve been smiling? Did you talk to Stan like I suggested?” Ike finally makes his way into the room, shamelessly flopping onto his brothers bed as if the room is his own. “You did didn't you!! I knew you could do it!” He beams.

 

“W-well.. Not exactly…” Kyle fidgets with his pajama bottoms, picking at the stray yellow-green thread jutting out of his thigh.

 

“What do you mean not really?” Ike squints, his questioning becoming scornful. “Kyle? What did you do?”

 

“N-Nothing! Why do you think I did something?”

 

“Brotherly intuition.” Ike tells him.

 

“Brotherly intuition?” Kyle gawks at his brothers sudden accusation. “Come on Ike you gotta quit making up these fake terms.”

 

“They’re not fake! They’re real!” Ike is suddenly offended at his response. “Language is an ever evolving structure! And I can add new words to the structure as I please! How dare you stifle the evolution of language!”

 

Kyle rolls his eyes, but he’s right. Why did he have to have a brother as smart and snarky as him? Weren’t little brothers supposed to be the dumb ones?

 

“So… come on! Tell me! You’re giving my blue balls here.” Ike whines, placing his small hands on his brothers shoulders and giving them a good impatient shake. “What happened? If you didn’t talk to Stan what else could it have been?”

 

Kyle huffs and finally manages to pull the little bothersome thread from his pajama bottoms. “It’s kind of a weird story…”

 

“Oooh! I love weird stories!” Ike wiggles his brows, managing to somehow worsen Kyle’s discomfort even further.  

 

Thankfully, Kyle is glad that for once in his life he’s about to be late. “Sorry Ike! That’s going to have to wait! I have to get going! The bus comes in fifteen minutes!” He quickly rises off the bed to shuffle through his drawer, leaving his restless whining brother to suffer.

 

“AWWW NOOOO! PLEASE!! MY BALLS!! SO BLUE!!! YOU'RE SO CRUEL!!!”

 

“Damn it Ike! I promise I’ll tell you when I get back! I’ll tell you everything! Relax!!” Kyle throws on his jacket, struggling to get the zipper to catch.

 

“Ughhhh my…. balls….” Ike suddenly collapses back onto Kyle’s bed and dramatically throws his arm over his head. The epitome of suffering.

 

“Come on Ike…” Kyle finishes tying the laces of his boots. “Look I promise okay? Canadian promise.”

 

Ike lifts his arm to reveal his face, glaring up at his brother with a raised eyebrow, before finally getting up from the bed as if his shameless display didn’t even happen. “Alright, fine! But only because I’m nice like that.” He’s about to leave the room, but decides to add on much to Kyle’s surprise. “Take care bro, see ya! Be safe and what not!” The door quietly shuts behind him.

 

Kyle breathes a sigh of relief, letting his shoulders drop as he sits back down on his now messy bed. God where would he even begin to explain the situation to his brother? The fact that he befriended his best friend’s girlfriend, the fact that he actively ignored trying to talk to Stan and completely broke Ike’s promise, or maybe the fact that he came out to said best friend’s girlfriend and they also came out to him and now they each know each other's most personal secrets?

He huffs, throwing himself back onto the bed like Ike had done moments ago, only this time, the suffering felt a little more real. Just how exactly had it come to this?

  


The clock ticks on.

  
  


Kyle misses the bus that morning.

  
  


 

* * *

 

 

 

‘Okay… ’ Kyle reviews his mental checklist for the thirtieth time since having finally made it to school. His mother had been kind enough to drop him off, but the potential for lateness was still possible if he didn’t hurry in the next five minutes.

 

‘...Use they them pronouns, but only when it’s safe! So in this case only when talking to them personally, do NOT want to out them, especially not around Stan. Oh! Try to just use their name. Not “ _she_ likes this” but “ _Wends_ like this”.  Would it be okay to use Wends? Its neutral? Right? I think that will be okay... Maybe I should ask them? But would it be rude to ask in the first place? Probably not, it’s just a question. Maybe I should stick to using Wendy for now. What if Stan gets suspicious? I don't want to make things weird…’

 

‘God its so strange, yesterday I _hated_ them, and now I'm going out of my way to make sure they feel comfortable and safe’ He sighs. ‘But damn it they do deserve to feel comfortable and safe! Even if I still hated them! That wouldn’t excuse it!’

 

“Kyle! Hey!” Kyle nearly drops his book. Stan is suddenly in front of him, almost having appeared out of thin air, or maybe Kyle had been much too lost in thought again.

 

“Ah! D-dude, warn me next time!” He shifts the book in his arms, securing it against his chest just in case someone else decides to give him a heart attack.

 

“Oops! Didn't mean to scare ya!” Stan is chuckling now, straight up chuckling. That devilish idiot. “What's up dude?”

 

Is this a trick question? Is Stan testing him? He decides to play it cool, or at least play it as cool as he can with the bumblebees buzzing in his chest. “Not much, what's up with you?” He feigns a laugh.

 

“Oh, you know, same old same old.” He pauses, his eyes shifting to the side for a split second, but Kyle manages to catch it. “So…. ”

 

“So?” Kyle holds the book closer, as if it could actually hide a six foot kid behind its pages.

 

“Talk to anyone _interesting_ last night?”

 

Oh, there it is. Kyle had completely forgotten Stan was the one who had even given them his number in the first place.

 

“What you mean to say is did I talk to your girlfriend last night?” Kyle somehow manages to still find it in him to be snarky, even in his state of anxiety.

 

Stan just grins, completely shameless in his act. ‘Bastard.’

 

“As a matter of fact I did!” Kyle smirks. “And they- _she_ was very nice. She actually ended up helping me with my homework.”

 

“What? Really!? I'm so glad!” Kyle is thankful for Stan's obliviousness, knowing he was just a millisecond away from nearly mis-misgendering Wends. He’s glad he was able to catch himself on time but he just finds it so strange using she/her pronouns now.

 

“Yeah it's a shame we had never really talked before” Kyle adds.

 

“So, you're not mad I gave her your number right?”

 

Kyle had been at first, but now it’s near impossible to find a grain of anger inside him, which is definitely a rarity for him. Instead he finds himself kind of happy for it. Sure he would have preferred it if Stan had asked for his permission first, but now, he’s not sure if he would change anything about what happened if he could. It felt almost inevitable. Like it was meant to happen.

 

“Nah, I'm not mad dude.” He smiles.

 

“Sweet! I knew you two would get along!” Stan’s beaming now. “I mean you’re both like crazy smart and super cool. Not to mention you both hate Cartman’s fatass like nobody else!” He laughs.

 

“Heh… yeah.” If only Stan could know just how much he and Wends’ really do have in common, maybe even a bit too much in common.

 

Soon the room is filled with sleep deprived bodies and the two boys go their separate ways. They only sit a foot apart, but Kyle’s mind is already miles away.

 

Kyle spends the rest of class shuffling through his thoughts, trying and failing to sort through the chaos of feelings in his head. He keeps thinking back to the night before, remembering just how kind and wonderful Wends had been. They’re nothing like Kyle had predicted, it all felt like a dream. He’s dazed, fumbling in his own shell, his head now beginning to hurt. Did Stan really known how well they were going to get along? Kyle never gave away any instance of his hatred, so maybe if Stan had known, he wouldn’t have given his number away so easily. Then again…

 

Kyle’s eyes focus on the peppering of freckles on his knuckle, squinting hard at the one on his ring finger, it’s just a bit redder than the rest. The urge to pick at it suddenly fills him, but he can only find it in himself to stare.

 

Was he becoming complacent? Only an audience member meant to watch as his whole life unfurled in front of him? Was he becoming comfortable? Or was it really the next step? The next chapter? Does he even have a choice? He could have stopped it at any time. He could have easily hanged up on Wends whenever he had wanted to. He could have stopped texting them the second he found out it was them and not some random stranger. He really could have just said no. He could have said no to all of it. He could have stopped it if he really truly wanted it to stop. Right? Couldn’t he? Then why had he been so passive? He had let Wends take the wheel from him, for only a minute, and he had liked it. He had genuinely enjoyed talking to them, learning about them, being with them, physically or not. His hatred melting away like cotton candy at the tip of a warm tongue. It is just so easy to let himself go.

 

A sudden fear begins to claw at his stomach, his fingers moving on their own accord to rub at the rougher skin of his knuckles. Could he be losing himself? And if so, where had his sense of urgency gone? He has no plans to stop it, nor is he sure if he even wants to… But perhaps it isn’t such a bad thing, losing oneself. To lose the old self at least, the self that is a bit more naive, a bit less understanding, angrier, weaker, the self that has yet to grow. Instead becoming someone new, a sort of change. A smarter, kinder self, rising from a cocoon built of its own stupid mistakes and regrets. Shedding old tattered skin, feelings that only weigh him and his chest down, making room for something better.

 

To get lost, lost at sea, pulled into the tide, and set afloat into waves of new and unfamiliar feelings. Losing himself is not complacency, no. No. It’s something else, something calm, soothing, like a quiet body drifting through water. It’s peace, a peace of mind, a peace of heart. A form of acceptance. Healing. Self love even. Lost in the small pleasures of a life that has few pleasantries to share.

 

Kyle runs a finger across the freckle he had been eyeing. He was expecting to feel something from it, he doesn’t know what, but something. He continues to explore the speckles on his skin anyways, each time expecting some sort of feeling, a bump, anything, but he finds none in his tracks.

  


 

 

* * *

 

 

  


He really hadn't counted on the day to turn out so smoothly, but it has been going a bit too well for his tastes. Its third period now, which means AP Environmental Science with Wends before the usual fifteen minute break in between classes. The fact that it’s been going so easy is a bit bothersome to Kyle, his mind had built everything up to such an extent, that once reality finally hits, it almost feels like a let down. Of course he can’t complain, things are good! But they’re too good. As if his mind has forgotten something. Kyle has never in his life been a lucky kid, for many many reasons. Yet today is so calm, so welcoming. He’s never had such an eventless day. It’s almost underwhelming. Boring even.

 

Of course his anxiety doesn’t care what sort of day it is, it persists, making sure to let Kyle know that at any moment, things could go terribly wrong, despite the actual likelihood of it.

 

His shaky hand reaches forward, pulling the olive door to his next class open. It’s okay. He finds his usual spot and manages to sit down without tripping on his own feet. It’s okay. He pulls out his textbook, thumbing through the pages in search of this week's lesson. It’s okay. He holds still as people slowly begin to funnel into the room, his eyes glazing over the paragraph on solar panels again and again. It’s okay.

 

Kyle feels himself go stiff, out of the corner of his eye he spots them.

 

He wonders if they would even notice him. Maybe what happened last night was just a one time thing. Maybe they won't ever talk to him again. That's good, right? It would be easier that way, if they just ignored him. Things could even go back to the way they were before, but with much less tension and unwarranted hatred. Or should he be the one making an effort? Maybe he should be the one to reach out to them. He could sit closer to them, or even just strike up a conversation. Or would that be too weird? Too sudden?

 

Would they even care?

 

Are they even considered friends now?

 

But before Kyle can even begin to process his own thoughts Wends is already taking the lead as always. The second they spot Kyle they are already walking over, heavy bag sitting on their shoulder, and a little skip in their step.

 

“Hey!” They smile, taking the seat to his left.

 

Kyle tries his hardest to appear nonchalant, but he’s never really been good at keeping it casual.

 

“H-hey there! Dude!” Kyle instantly cringes at the sound of his own voice. Was that too forward? Is ‘dude’ too gendered? He hasn’t even asked them their preferred pronouns! Or preferred name! Fuck! He hasn't even asked them how they’re feeling today! What if they hate being called dude? What if they hate _him_? What if-

 

Instead Kyle is met with one of the warmest smile he has ever seen, almost as warm as Stan's he thinks.

 

“Wow Kyle! Didn't know we were already close enough for you to be calling me ‘dude’! I'm so honored!” Wends laughs and Kyle can feel his worries drip, drip, and melt off his skin.

 

“I mean, after last night, I think we’re _way_ past just ‘dude’.” He jokes.

 

“Pfft yeah tell me about it!” Another warm smile, pure sunshine. “ Don’t get me wrong though! It was really nice... it meant a lot to me.”

 

“Really?”

 

They exchange a soft glance. Kyle feels warm.

 

The warmth stays with him, even as Wends turns to the board, and class begins. He lets it kiss his skin and fill his lungs. He finds comfort in it. Without making a sound he allows his fingers to flip the pages of his notebook, thoughtlessly searching for a blank corner. Once doing so he quickly but quietly rips the small corner of the blue striped paper, writes his note, then gently places it on the edge of Wends’ desk.

 

He twists his pen between his fingers. He clicks the tip out, then back in. Click. Click. Click. Then turns it over, letting the end of it tap the wood of the desk. Tap. Tap. Tap. Then his leg, shaking, also begins its own rhythm against the floor.

 

‘Am I being too forward? Maybe they can’t even read it? Kenny always said my penmanship was shit…’

 

Kyle feels something brush against the protruding bone of his wrist, the note having found its way back to him. He stares at it, his tongue licking the back of his teeth before letting his pinky slide it over closer. He fiddles with the folded corners. The edges slide underneath the nail of his forefinger causing the paper to dent. Slowly, shakily, he opens it.

 

_Any pronouns._

 

The note reads, with a cute little picture of a cat drawn at the bottom. Kyle looks over to Wends, their attention still set on the whiteboard in front of them. They flash Kyle a quick grin before returning back to the lecture. Kyle, heart now at ease, the warmth still sitting comfortably in his chest, also turns back to the slowly filling whiteboard. The soft murmuring voice of the teacher brings his consciousness back to his body, and he lets it happen.

  


 

 

* * *

 

 

  


Things had become better than Kyle could have ever hoped. It was almost strangely perfect. Wends had somehow fit wonderfully into their group dynamic, cracking jokes, insulting Cartman, it was like they’ve always belonged there. They would spend their time with the boys at lunch most of the time, it was a pleasant change. Kenny enjoyed their witty remarks. Stan just adored having them around, and Kyle… Well he now finally had someone who would gladly help him argue with Cartman. Not to mention Kyle loved being able to talk to someone like Wends about politics, homework, or even just books they had read.

 

Better yet Stan was absolutely thrilled. Kyle had never seen his Super Best Friend so happy before. The warmth in Kyle’s chest was always there now, and it never failed to make his day.

 

“Can y’all like legit quit ganging up on me? Fuck!” Cartman nearly crushes his cardboard chocolate milk in his chubby little hands, “Stan! Tell both your damn girlfriends to leave me alone dammit!”

 

Stan just laughs, his hands failing to cover the huge grin on his face. “I told ya dude! You gotta quit picking on them! You know they only do it when you pick on them!”

 

Kyle smirks, giving Wends a knowing look. They wink back at him, hiding their own grin with a sip of their water.

 

“See! They’re conspiring against me!” Cartman glares at them.

 

However this only makes Stan laugh harder, his whole body hunching forward at the force of it. Kyle’s smile grows. He never thought he would be here, truly enjoying himself in this once unfamiliar company. Wends is seated right beside him but he rests easy. Often he is still uncertain, anxious, jittery, but it has become almost nothing, an afterthought.

 

He’s learned to trust them. Most importantly he’s learned to allow himself to trust them. They aren’t a threat, or a pest, they’re his new best friend, they’re just Wends.

 

Sometimes the guilt still claws its way back up his throat, scratching at his neck and up to his tongue. It’s tough to swallow, but he pushes it back the best he can. That was then. It’s different now. He’s different now. All he can do is be better, be there for them, and learn to forgive himself. No matter how persistent it is or how bad it prickles his insides, he must swallow.

 

His eyes catch them, Wends, reaching their hand over to hold Stans. It’s a quiet act. Personal. Their thumb traces the small veins on the back of his hand, their eyes meeting Stans, sharing the most delicate of glances. It’s so gentle, yet the weight and power of it is enough to have Kyle breathless. He’s never seen so much love in a single touch. Its deafening. Saturated.

 

It’s the way they look at each other, or maybe the way Kyle feels when he sees the way they look at each other. Whatever it is, it struck him suddenly, a quick realization that seemed to ease the tiny anxietes that had festered in his chest.

 

Stan and Wends’ relationship was never “failed”. They love each other, they always had. They love each other so much that they are always willing to try again and again in their relationship. Things just happened to never go well for them. They were too young and ill prepared, too naive and inexperienced, but that didn't mean it was failed. It was just the wrong timing. But now, Kyle can see it, they’re going to be okay. Stan and Wends’ are finally ready, and the thought that Kyle helped with that, doesn't make him feel as sick as he thought it would.

 

It’s calming. A resolution to all the pain and anxiety he had felt all these years. If they would be okay, then maybe he would be too. He had completed his end of the deal, and in return he has gained more than he ever thought he would. He got his super best friend back, happy and confident, and a new best friend that he could always count on and talk to. It’s a pretty sweet deal.

 

Kyle can’t complain.

  
  


 

 

* * *

 

  
  
  
  


For the next few weeks, things stay pretty much the same, and before Kyle realizes it, its become a month, then two, then four. Four months of him and Wends and Stan and absolutely no drama. Kyle honestly hasn’t felt this happy in a long time, sure things hadn’t turned out the way he had planned, not like he could ever have predicted this outcome. His crush on Stan only seemed worse now that he was so close to him and Wends, but the feeling of self destruction is gone. He looks forward to lunch with them, he really enjoys his and Wends’ study sessions, and even Stans grades have gone up.

 

Wends had been right, Kyle and Stan’s relationship is the best it’s been in a long time, and now he has a new friend to spend time with, he feels closer to Kenny, closer to Davíd, and closer to all his other friends, his depression has gotten better. Even Cartman is becoming more bearable. Though that’s probably thanks to the fact that Cartman is horribly terrified of Wends. Ever since they had kicked his ass in the fourth grade, with tousled black hair and a shirt with an almost comical graphic print of a rainbow on it, Eric has become extremely careful around them. Of course they still play fight, but it's never gone further than that. This time he knows better than to stick his eggs in a pan that are much too hot for his grubby little fingers.

 

Whatever the reason is for such improvement he can’t deny the fact that he feels good. Really good. Like an entire human being with a clear reason and motivation and will. He feels complete.

 

Well... _nearly_ complete.

 

He doesn’t know what exactly is missing though. He surely couldn’t answer that question himself, much less even consider that it's a question he even needs to be asking.

 

He had felt so disconnected for so long. So out of touch with his own self, his own body and mind. As if he had no control of what occured, he was only there to watch as his life progressed, with or without him. It’s so strange to feel present. To be _here._ Wherever or whatever that means.

 

He’s here. Here in a crowded cafeteria that’s sometimes a gym, with people he's spent his childhood living alongside without even knowing some of their last names. He’s here, with Stan and Wends and Butters and Kenny. Listening to them talk about their favorite animes while Craig and Tweek whisper meaningless words of affection to each other. Clyde, Jimmy, and Cartman laughing at strange pictures on a phone with a case that would leave his mother appalled. Token sitting near Nichole, who sits near Davíd, watching in amusement as he plays with his nintendog on a DS that’s as outdated as the table they all sit in. He’s here.

 

He’s here and he’s not unhappy. He’s not unsatisfied, and he’s not uncontent. Whether or not he’s feeling incomplete however, is another story. A story he’s definitely going to leave on the shelf and get to later because Stans laugh is incredibly distracting and he’s absolutely certain an angel gets its wings every time Stan Marsh laughs.

 

“How about you, Kyle? How are you feeling about midterms?”

 

Wends raises their eyebrows in question as Kyle stares blankly at them. “Me?”

 

“Well, duh. You’re name is Kyle isn’t it?” They tease with a playful laugh, Stan grinning brightly beside them.

 

“Well I for one am _so_ fucking glad I’m not taking any of those crazy AP tests you guys are taking. I’d rather kill myself than take that shit, not to mention you literally have to _pay_ to take those tests!” Stan lets go of Wends’ waist just to wave his hands aggressively. “It’s like you’re literally paying them to potentially fail you!” He huffs. “This is why it’s good to be dumb once in a while.”

 

“Aww baby you’re not dumb.” Wends is quick to comfort him with a shoulder pat.

 

Cartman rolls his eyes. “Well, he ain’t smart either.”

 

“Shut it Eric!”

 

“Meh, he’s right,” Stan shrugs. “Seriously though I’m glad for it. Not only do you guys have to take those long boring awful tests, but then you have all those crazy projects and shit! Seriously guys how do you even do it?! I’d be fucking dead by now!”

 

“Trust me dude, we’re barely surviving as it is.” Kyle can’t help chuckling at his best friends dramatic nature.

 

“Yeah, it isn’t easy, but it’s totally gonna be worth it!” Wends shoots back.

 

“Fancy schools and scholarships here we come!” Kyle shamelessly fistbumps them before going back to the messy lunch in front of him.

 

He watches as things settle back down. It’s a nice rhythm, one he has grown accustomed to in the last few months. Conversations would come and go, someone would crack a joke, they’d laugh, then quiet before starting up again. It’s comfortable, fluid. Kyle likes it. However he can’t  ignore the way the larger group keeps splitting. Somehow Craig and Tweek always end up together while Token and Nichole can be found paired up as well, Davíd not too far behind them. It’s either pairs, trio’s, or more, but always a variation of the same.

 

For Kyle this brought along a severe case of nervousness. He really doesn’t feel like he belongs in any of these smaller groups. Sometimes he’ll argue with Cartman, or hang out with Davíd, but it’s never concrete. More often than naught he’ll just sort of stay out of conversations and always finds himself ending up with Wends and Stan. Everytime, without fail.

 

Of course it’s natural to feel so out of place with them, they’re a couple after all. Kyle has no right to be in their personal space. No right at all, and yet they always fall back into their comfortable dynamic together. It’s so easy to talk to them, he and Wends with their endless similarities, and Stan, his best friend in the whole world. How can he not be comfortable with them?

 

But he still can’t shake the feeling. What if he’s third wheeling? What if they’re just being kind out of politeness? Could he be considered a homewrecker?

 

There are so many things wrong with this entire situation, but Kyle can’t help it. He has decided to ignore it. Ignore every bit of tension and awkwardness that makes his skin itch. He’s just overreacting. He had promised to be a better friend, a better person, and he’s going to do it. Even if it means pushing his feelings way deep deep down where no one can ever find them. Things are good, great, fantastic. Why would he go and ruin it all?

 

‘Oh god... Stan is so cute. _Shit!_ Did Wends notice me staring?’

 

“Hey, babe,” Kyle hears Stans soft voice. The one he always uses on Wends and never on him.  “I almost forgot to tell ya, but I don’t think I can hang this Saturday…”

 

“Oh?” Wends places a gentle hand on his thigh.

 

Kyle knows he shouldn’t listen in, or spy for that matter, but it’s become a bad habit of his. He has become terribly addicted to watching them. Their interactions, the little touches, the kisses, the embarrassingly ridiculous compliments that always manage to slip from Stans mouth. It’s fascinating to Kyle. He just can’t will himself to look away.

 

“I have to go to visit some family out of state on the weekend or whatever,” Stan groans “And my dad wont let me bail. Believe me, I tried.”

 

“Stan, it’s really no problem at all!” They grip his hand gently, pressing their fingertips to the soft skin of his palm. “Me and Kyle can do something instead! How’s that sound?”

 

Kyle turns his head a little too quickly at the sound of his name. “What?”

 

“You and me Kyle. Saturday. Stan has family plans.”

 

Are they really suggesting that he and they? Hang out? On a Saturday? By themselves? Saturday’s are Stan and Wends’ date nights. Kyle and Wends only ever really get together during school or on Fridays, which they have reserved for studying. Sometimes, on occasion Bebe or Kenny will join, and Stan always tries to get work done, but it always just ends with Kyle and Wends trying furiously to concentrate while the others find various ways to slack off.

 

“Hey, That’s not such a bad idea!” Stan sounds way too excited for something he wouldn’t be attending. “I know you two have a lot of work to get done anyways.” He shrugs. “Maybe our next date can be extra special?”

 

Wends smiles at that. “It’s a deal! We can even save up money for sushi. I know how much you love Mochi.”

 

“Oh fuck yeah babe. If we get chocolate Mochi I’m fucking in.”

 

“Good. Just try and have fun with your family, we’ll be here waiting for you when you come back.” Wends kisses his cheek; it only lasts a beat but Kyle’s eyes follow every millisecond of it.

 

“Thanks Wendy, I’ll try my best not to die of boredom.”

 

“Just be sure to text us lots dude, we can make a group chat and play some Gamepigeon?” Kyle watches Stan closely, following as his lips crack into a bright grin.

 

“Game on. But this time I’m kicking your ass at Cup Pong!”

 

Wends tries hard to hold back their own smile, shaking their head in feigned disappointment. “Babe, Kyle has beat you fourty-two times, back to back, I think it’s time to start picking a new game.”

 

“What! And give him the satisfaction? No way! I’m not going down that easy. Game fifty will be my redemption arc.”

 

“Oh, it’s on dude!” Kyle smirks.

 

Laughter fills the table, and Kyle is thankful for every minute of it. They continue their playful banter for the rest of lunch, the tension leaving Kyle’s shoulder blades and evaporating into the light air of the cafeteria. As much as his body craves unhappiness. As much as it wants to feel the throb of a broken heart. As much as Kyle had obsessed with his own misfortune and bitterness, he won’t let himself retreat back into it. He has let his walls crumble. Now he just needs to heal.

 

“Kyle? What time are you free on Saturday? I don’t want to intrude if you have something going on.” Wends doesn’t stop playing with Stan’s hair as they ask, twisting the messy locks into tiny little curls that kiss at the skin of his cheeks.

 

Kyle swallows hard, his stupid crush only worsening from watching his best friend. “W-well we have a thing in the morning, but uh, I’m free around five,” Stan smiles, and Kyle has to remind himself how to breathe. “Is that... cool?”

 

“Sounds perfect! We should totally just work on our presentations together, I mean we have similar topics and all. With our knowledge combined we could finish early and get top marks, easy,” They scratch the top of Stan’s head, their work complete “So, what do you say? Team project?”

 

“Sure! Sounds good to me, why not?” Kyle smiles, but the grin on Wends’ face makes his own feel ungenuine in comparison.

  


Just him and Wends, hanging out, while Stans away, on what usually is _their_ date night. Yep. Just the two of them. By themselves… On Saturday…

  


Alone…

  
  
  


_‘Why not?’_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. New Person, Same Old Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two sides of me can't agree  
> When I breathe in too deep  
> Going with what I always longed for  
> Feel like a brand new person  
> (But you make the same old mistakes)  
> I don’t care I’m in love  
> (Stop before it’s too late)

 

Kyle wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans for the sixtieth time that morning. He doesn’t know why he’s so anxious. It’s just studying. It’s just Wends. 

 

He laughs painfully, he had despised them not so long ago, and now he could feel his stomach flipping just at the thought of seeing them. 

 

Why is this time so different? They had been studying together every week for the past four months now. Ever since the phone call they had decided it was just convenient to work together. It was easy, fun, and even seemed to help him with his sanity. 

 

Of course he’s always anxious whenever Wends comes over to study, it’s only natural with the amount of guilt Kyle has buried inside him. With each meeting he finds something new to be guilty for. He’s guilty about liking Stan, guilty about having hated Wends, guilty about having wanted them to break up, guilty for even breathing the same air as them.

 

But at the same time he also found new reasons to keep on existing. If it hadn’t been for Stan, Kyle would still feel alone. He would still be filled with an unbearable irrational hatred. He’d be miserable. He would be wasting away in a shell of his own flesh wondering where the good times have gone, not realizing that there’s no such thing as ‘the good times’. Only the past, the present, and the future. Whether they are good or bad is all in his head. 

 

Stan truly is a blessing in his life, even if it is in ways he hadn't expected. Kyle surely hadn’t expected becoming so close to Wends, but Kyle is thankful for it now. 

 

Unfortunately even with the calming reassurance of his own thoughts, Kyle’s nerves still continue to get the best of him. He can’t pinpoint the source of his unrest, and that only serves to set him more on edge. Perhaps it’s the nearing midterms? Maybe the fact that this is such a large project? Could it be that the subject is so personal to him it makes him feel uneasy sharing it? Maybe it’s just Wends. Wends makes him feel… something. Something he can’t quite put his finger on, but it’s a lot like the way Stan makes him feel. A sort of exciting uncertainty. Spontaneity is it? Kyle isn’t a big fan of it in theory, but in practice, he likes Stan’s ever evolving emotions. Stan and Wends are similar in that sense, but when Wends’ heart shifts gears, it’s without doubt. Stan on the other hand is always taken aback by his own feelings, as if each time he feels something it hurts harder than the last. Wends takes their emotions as they come, headfirst, without shame, even if it breaks them inside. They know bones only became stronger through their fractures. 

 

He admires that about them, about the both of them. Kyle hates his own irrationality, his feelings have always betrayed him, making him unlikeable, hard to be around, disgraceful even. His anger always gets the best of him, but he can never stop it. He feels so stupid. Probably because he is. 

 

He smiles, but there’s nothing funny about it. 

 

The faint sound of the doorbell from downstairs is just loud enough to bring him back. His stomach flips and turns with each step down the stairs. Was there always this many steps? The staircase feels so long. The floor so far down. 

 

His foot finds the last step and he takes a second to admire the small accomplishment. 

 

The door lays in front of him, tall, white, intimidating. He can see his distorted reflection on the golden knob of the door. It taunts him. He stares back.

 

The doorbell rings once more. Wends must have been waiting for at least five minutes by now, but Kyle can’t seem to raise his hand to open it. 

 

‘Come on! It’s only Wends.’ But his body is deaf to his pleas. 

 

He takes in a breath, letting the air fill his lungs and circle through his body. He shakes his arms and legs awake and finally his anxiety trumps his fear.

  
  


_ ‘It’s only Wends.’ _

  
  


But when Kyle finally finds the strength to open the door in front of him is someone else. Or at least they look like someone else.

 

They have their now short hair combed neatly into a swoop across their forehead, stray hairs kissing their thick dark eyebrows, landing just short of their lashes. The few tufts of hair that poke from their burgundy beanie seem to perfectly frame their face, a mosaic of triangles and angles, and dark roasted eyes. Their normally curvy figure is nearly hidden by the large thick letterman jacket. Not only that but Kyle is certain they must be wearing a binder underneath their white t-shirt, but even their skinny jeans and boots feel strong and sturdy, and  _ masculine _ .

 

“H-hey.” Wends smiles shyly as they clear their throat. Their voice seems deeper, whether it’s on purpose or not is unclear, but Kyle is sure of one thing. Wends looks good. Wends looks really  _ really  _ good. 

 

“Uh...hey?” 

 

“You're staring.” Wends bites their lip.

 

“What?”

 

“You’re staring…”

 

“Oh- oh! Sorry about that.” Kyle lets out a laugh, rubbing the loose curls on the back of his neck. “It’s just, well, different... I guess.”

 

“Oh...”

 

“Good different though! Really good! Incredibly good...” Another awkward laugh. 

 

_ ‘ _ God dammit, what’s wrong with me all of a sudden? _ ’ _

 

“Thanks Kyle,” They smile. “That really means a lot to me. This is kind of a big step, and I was really nervous. To be honest I didn’t think I’d make it this far, and well… Since we talked the last time we studied, I just got to thinking...” They meet his eyes for a split second before returning their gaze to their clunky boots. “Maybe, I could try being myself for once, you know? Get to explore who I am without judgement or fear or any second thoughts. Just be  _ myself _ , with you…”

 

Kyle feels his heart tug; his gravitational pull suddenly shifting. He finds himself wanting to get closer. He wants to be there for them. He wants to have what he and Stan have with Wends. He wants to be someone they can truly count on through thick and thin. 

 

“If that’s okay of course.” Now Wends is the one trying to fill the silence with uncertain laughter. 

 

“Yes. Absolutely.” He can feel a smile forming across his lips now. “I would be honored.”

 

Wends is beaming, and Kyle hasn’t felt his heart beat like this in so long. Not a dull painful drumming that drains him, nor a loud thud that rings against his ears and makes him hate his own consciousness, but instead a small persistent beating that fills his chest with warmth and steadies his pulse.

 

Kyle smiles just as brightly back and finally steps to the side to allow Wends inside. “Come on in. My parents are at Ike’s clown practice but feel free to make yourself at home and ask away if you need anything.”

 

They smirk. “Such a gentleman Broflovski. You gonna ask me for my coat next?”

 

Kyle loved when they got like this; Wends is radiating pure confidence, and it’s near enough to make him swoon. Where had they been all this time?

 

“You sure are bold tonight.” He chuckles, closing the door behind him before taking the lead up the stairs.

 

“Feeling bold.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.” Kyle watches them as they walk. Even their posture seems 

different now. 

 

‘So this is Wends?’

 

Kyle shuffles into his room and leads Wends to his bed. They settle onto it, arranging their books and such accordingly and preparing for another weekly study session. 

 

Wends sits cross legged across from Kyle who rests easily against the headboard of his bed. He hopes that Wends doesn’t notice him staring again, but it’s near impossible to keep from doing so, especially when they look like  _ that.  _

 

“God can I just talk about how nice this feels?” Wends sighs.

 

“Of course dude,” Kyle chuckles. “You seem really happy. If I had known you’d be so cheery I would have encouraged it sooner.”

 

“Man I  _ wish _ I would have done it sooner. It's just so good to be able to not worry about just fucking existing, ya know?” They inhale deeply then let their exhaled breath wash away their worries. “I feel like someone else, but not in a foreign way. I feel like this is the me I've always been but have never been able to actually be until now. Like past me was someone else I had gotten so used to that I didn't realize there was someone else inside me wanting to just get a chance to say hello. Like I was living a huge charade that I didn't even realize was a charade so I just thought, oh hey this feeling of absolute hatred towards my body is totally normal. Right? I’m sure everyone else feels like crawling out of their own skin once in a while!” A pause. “God I don't even know if that makes any sense, sorry.” They laugh nervously but Kyle doesn’t really see the humor in something so heartbreaking.

 

“No, no. It makes absolute perfect sense dude.” He lightly pats their knee, trying to be as platonically supportive as possible. 

 

“Thanks Kyle. It’s just so nice to finally talk to someone about this without fear of being judged or whatever.” They smile.

 

A sort of silence begins to swim and settle around them. However it’s nothing like an awkward silence, instead it’s something calming, reassuring. A silent vow of safety and respect between the two of them. 

 

“So um..” Kyle gestures vaguely. “What would you prefer I call you? Ya know, when you’re feeling more masculine and stuff?”

 

They think for a bit, humming softly, then with a confident smile they say, “Wendyl please, but I um...  _ really _ like your nickname for me. So you’re always free to use that!”

 

He doesn’t know why, but Kyle can feel his face start to heat up. “Wends, cute  _ and _ gender neutral”

 

Wends is chuckling again. Kyle doesn't think he’ll ever get tired of such a lovely sound. “So, are you saying you think I’m cute?” They wink.

 

Kyle’s face becomes redder than before, a flustered and awkward mess. “I… Uhh. W-well you’re not  _ ugly _ …” He quickly snaps his mouth shut. This is going in a direction he was really not expecting.

 

“Ah, Kyle, always the charmer.” They snicker, before gently bumping him with their shoulder, the contact only seeming to make him feel even hotter. “I'm only teasing dude, no need to get so embarrassed.” 

 

It’s too late, Kyle is the most embarrassed he’s ever been in his life. “I know that...” 

 

“Aww are you mad at me?” They tease further, fluttering their lashes in a way that makes Kyle’s mouth go dry.

 

He huffs, allowing himself to play along, hoping it might hide how flustered he is. “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.” 

 

Of course Kyle immediately finds himself regretting it, because the second he looks back over at Wends, he sees the most heartbreaking pout on their face. Their eyes are wide and warm and their cheeks puffy and pink and Kyle just knows he’s done for.

 

‘H-holy shit, they’re really…  _ cute _ …’

 

Kyle quickly shakes the thought away, crossing his arms with a loud sigh. “Okay, okay, I’m not mad.”

 

Wends is chuckling again. Kyle can’t remember the last time he’s ever seen them this happy. “Aw, I knew you couldn't be mad at your best pal.”

 

“You’re lucky you're my friend...” He scolds, still trying to maintain a tough exterior, but he knows Wends can see right through him.

 

“Or else?” They raise their brow, a near devilish smile beginning to form across their face.

 

“Or else…” 

 

‘I’d totally be kissing the shit out of you and that smug face of yours.’

 

‘Wait where the fuck did  _ that _ thought come from, this is  _ Wends, _ remember? Your super best friends “girlfriend”! The best friend who you  _ also  _ happen to have a huge incredible crush on. You know, the friend you’ve been in love with since the 6th grade! And now apparently the friend you're also having thoughts about kissing his girlfriend? What the fuck? What. The. Fuck.’

 

Kyle realizes he’s been taking a bit too long to respond and quickly tries to steer his mind back on track. Intrusive thoughts are no fucking joke.

 

“Or else I would have kicked the shit out of you by now, you smug asshole.”

 

‘Nice save moron.’

 

Luckily it’s just enough and Wends bursts into an adorable fit of laughter. “Aww, it's only been an hour and you're already treating me like one of the guys! Thank you Kyle!” They continue to laugh, wiping fake tears from their eyes before finally managing to come down from their giggle high. 

 

“Just wait til we start the mud wrestling football toss ceremony.”

 

“Oooo, sounds kinky.” 

 

Kyle hadn’t been expecting such a forward response, his cheeks reddening much faster than his mind has time to process. He quickly looks away, rubbing the loose curls of his neck before turning to fumble with the zipper of his backpack.

 

“So! About that homework, eh?” He pulls out textbook after textbook. Any sort of distraction is a good distraction, at least he hopes so. 

 

Wends shoots him a grin and pulls out their own books, “All right, but make sure you can keep up this time.”

 

“Oh, trust me, it’ll be you who’s left for dead Mr. CockyPants.”

 

“Someone needs to work on their insults…”

 

“Shut up and read your Environmental Science book, TestaBooger.”

 

Wends nearly loses it at that one, laughing so hard their face turns purple. “Okay! Okay! I’ll give you props for that one!”

 

Kyle laughs along with them, failing to keep down the embarrassing giggles that shake his shoulders. 

 

Miraculously they manage to finally get to work. They chat quietly about their homework, cracking small jokes here and there, before returning to a comfortable silence. It’s an easy flow. They fall into each other effortlessly, reading, then talking, then silence, then laughter, then stillness. It made Kyles chest warm and his lungs tremble. 

 

He glances over at Wends, eyebrows furrowed in concentration, lower lip bitten and hair falling over their lashes in pretty black locks. Kyle can feel his whole body heat up. Just looking at them was like laying underneath the sun. 

 

He quickly blinks away, returning to the book in his hands, hoping the endless words can muffle the whirring thoughts of his head. 

 

“Dude this chapter is so stupid, like I’ve reread it like four times already and I still can’t find the answer to the last question.” Wends huffs.

 

“Oh, are you doing the bonus question?”

 

“Ugh yeah. I know I don’t need the extra credit, but I’m literally .05 points away from kicking you from your spot at number one and I am not about to let you catch up again like last time!”

 

“Ha! Should have done that bonus field trip to the aquarium with me and Scott! You had your chance Testaburger!” 

 

“You know I was busy that Saturday! Besides… It’s easy to catch up to you.” They give Kyle a smirk that leaves him near heat stroke. He swears his soul has left his body by now. “It was definitely easy in APUSH.”

 

“Hey! You know History isn’t my thing!” He’s sputtering, but the smile on Wends’ face makes him forget what they were even on about.

 

“I know, I just like it when you blush.” Wends laughs, but their cheeks are warm now too. 

 

It’s different. They’re different. Not different in a life altering way, but as if Wends had been quiet this whole time and has now finally found the courage to speak, to be heard. In a sense it was like they had been hiding, but Kyle hadn’t expected such a positive change in their whole demeanor. It’s near blinding. Wends seems so happy, so at home. Like themself. Truly themself. 

 

“Okay no offense Wends but you look really fucking happy dude... and I'm sorry to bring this up again but come on…”

 

“What?” They look away.

 

“You already know what I’m going to say but,” He bumps his knee against their thigh, “You  _ have _ to tell Stan.”

 

_ “Kyle-” _

 

“I know! I know! It’s not easy, but Wends please hear me out,” A breath. “For all the time that I have known you, I have never ever ever seen you this happy before. Ever. Not only that but you just seem so, so, God I don’t even know how to explain it but it’s like you’re literally glowing! I mean you’re always confident and strong and empowering but this time it’s different? It’s as if you’re coming out of this, this cocoon or something. Like yeah I know you but I feel like I’ve never truly _ known  _ you until just now. Seeing you like this, so comfortable, so damn happy. It’s you dude. It’s really you.”

 

Wends stares down at their hands, they rest limply on their lap, their fingers twisting and curling with one another slowly, tentatively. 

 

They needed to hear this. They deserved to hear this. He has never seen them this damn happy, and everyone deserves to see them like this, the real them. Happy, beautiful, bright, strong, invencible, and so fucking perfect. So so so perfect and-

 

_ ‘Oh. Oh no…’ _

 

“I already told you Kyle. He- well, I just,” A sigh, “I don’t know… I just don't know how he'd react.”  They frown, and it shreds Kyle’s heart to pieces. “I'm so scared, I’m so fucking scared. I just have so many things I’m worried about. Like what if… what if it just turns into another reason we break up? Another reason for him to hate me! What if he wants nothing to do with me because of it! Maybe he won't even understand it! I just… I don’t want to lose him again you know?” They scoff, it’s tired, sad, no heart in it, just hurt.

 

It destroys him, but he won’t let it destroy Wends.

 

“No.”

 

Their eyes meet his.

 

“No Wends. You’re wrong. I know you’re  _ always _ right but this time you’re dead wrong. Wends, he  _ loves  _ you. He is so fucking in love with you! You’re all he talks about. You’re all he’s ever talked about since we were  _ ten.  _ He is so so in love with you! Anyone can see it and to be honest who wouldn't be in love with you? You’re loud and opinionated and witty! You don’t give a shit about what others think about you, and you don’t take shit from anyone! You beat up Cartman in the fourth grade dude! Like who else can say that! You’re crazy intelligent with a great sense of humor! Ever since you’ve joined our group their hasn’t been a dull second! You’re gorgeous as hell and you’re the only person I know who can make overalls weirdly sexy, you even make snapbacks look less douchey! And that’s near impossible!”

 

He knows there's no turning back now the second he hears them stifle a chuckle.

 

“Seriously dude, I mean it, anyone would be lucky to have you. No matter your gender, or your pronouns, or how you’re presenting that day. You’re always so damn strong and brilliant and beautiful, you’re so incredible and I-” 

 

He stops. 

 

They're so close. Their eyes haven’t left his yet. His heart, had it always felt so trapped in his rib cage? It really is a cage, and his heart wants to flutter away from its shackles. He can feel their gentle eyes wash over him, the warmth causing his stomach to churn and ache.  

 

‘Oh God no wonder Stan would barf on this poor guy, they're so- so-’

 

“Kyle?”

 

Kyle laughs loud and sharp, surprising even himself with it’s abrasiveness. 

 

‘This is bad, this is so so so bad! Agh!’

 

Why is his heart racing so fast? Why are his hands so sweaty? And his fingers! Why won’t they stop shaking? Why is everything so damn confusing!?

 

“Hey, Kyle... it's okay,” Their hand finds its way to his knee and rests there, gently squeezing “Seriously thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me, how much  _ all  _ of this means to me. Using my correct pronouns, calling me something neutral and sweet, not freaking out when I come to your house dressed like this, and overall just being a good friend…  You’re such a wonderful person. You’ve become such a huge part of my life, I didn't even realize how much i needed this, your support and your friendship.”

 

His pulse drowns him with its heavy beating, his lungs shaking with every breath, but the heat of his heart fills him, fuels him. 

 

“Kyle Broflovski I am coming to see that you have changed my life. You’ve inspired me to be myself and take pride in it. You have given me strength in so many different ways, and you’ve truly become one of my bestest friends. To think, only a small single thread had connected us…”

 

But by now Kyle and Wends could both see, they were connected by more than just one thread, they were multiple threads, looped and curled and bound, woven together, full of warmth and love that all started because of that single beautiful thread. Stan.

 

“Kyle, I- I really can't thank you enough...” they want to say more but their heart is starting to ache. He watches as their brown eyes turn dark, filling with the tiny beginnings of tears. Overwhelming emotion showing in their saddened face. 

 

“ _ Wends _ ,” Kyle gently rubs their tears away as best as he can with his thumb. He’s not used to seeing this side of them and it’s absolutely frightening. Someone so strong and fearless and stubborn, falling apart in front of his being. And for what? Because they’re thankful? Thankful for his existence? What a silly thing to be thankful for.

 

He's taken aback by a small broken laugh. Wends is smiling up at him with dark wet eyes, tears still lingering but only teasing at their lashes. “You know, I  _ really _ love when you call me that.”

 

Kyle’s heart stops. His pulse stops. Everything stops. Even Wends is at a standstill but for some reason the threads connecting them together aren’t. He can feel the needle pull the stitches tighter, tangling their fragile strings closer and closer. His forehead gently bumps into theirs. They sigh. The threads pull. He’s frozen but the strings just keep on getting tighter, closer, nearer, stitched firmly together until-

 

He feels their nose bump into his first when his eyes flutter shut, then their warmed cheeks, and finally their lips. They kiss him softly. He kisses them back. Kyle’s lips pressing against theirs like they were always meant to have belonged. Perhaps they did. It feels so different than what he’s expecting, but so so much better. He can feel the butterflies in his stomach flutter and dance and the red from his cheeks warm his heavy beating heart. He can feel everything. Wends’ gentle breathing, their tongue against his bottom lip, their pulse radiating off their chest, them. Just them. 

 

He’s drowning in them, living through them. He wants to be taken in by the tide, the waves of their heart pulling him deeper into the sea. The thought of drowning is a peaceful one, one he is welcoming with parted lips and a curios tongue. He is terrified, but he’s also never felt this safe in his life. He wants to stay like this forever. Let the tide take him away, then bring him back to shore, then take him back again for more, an endless weightless thought. Just staying like this. Just like this…

  
  


_ No. _

  
  


No, no, no. This isn't right. This was never meant to have happened. 

  
  


_ ‘You're kissing your best friends girlfriend you idiot!’  _

  
  


He jumps back, struck, falling off the bed with a painfully loud thud and a possibly broken neck. 

 

_ “Oof!” _

 

Wends just stares down at him wide eyed. Their mouth opening and closing, searching for the right words but Kyle doubts there's any for a situation like this and god his head fucking hurts so bad.

 

Just what in the  _ fuck _ is happening to him?

 

“Kyle. I. Am.  _ So. Sorry. _ I don't-”

 

“No, no!  _ I'm _ sorry! I shouldn't have- I didn't mean to- I swear it was just- you- well- and then- I..” He tries and tries but nothing comes out right. He screams into his hands, his cheeks burning his palms and biting at his skin. His legs are trembling, fear running through his veins but his mind is in too much of a haze to know whether it’s supposed to fight or flight.

 

“Shit.” Wends bites at their nails, their own thoughts a mess. “Kyle... you’re shaking.” 

 

“Heh, yeah... God…” Kyle can feel his eyes begin to burn, everything is red, and much too bright, it hurts. It all hurts.

 

‘Fuck.  _ Fuck _ !’ 

 

What has he done? What have they both done? He didn’t mean to. They both hadn’t meant to. Yet it still happened. It happened and Kyle had let it happen. His body betrayed him, his heart betrayed him, every cell keeping him grounded on this earth betrayed him. Yet the only person who had truly been betrayed was Stan. 

 

His chest aches, his heart begging to burst free from the confines of his ribs, trapped in its own  hell. 

 

“I won’t tell Stan if you don’t!” Wends is suddenly blurting, her own face a wash of pale blues and purples. Kyle can see it’s eating her insides too. 

 

“Oh god...  _ Oh god _ .” Kyle wraps his arms around himself, wondering if it’s possible to die by sheer willpower. 

 

“I’ll go now, I’m so sorry- _ fuck _ Kyle I-”

 

“It’s okay! It’s fine!” It’s not. “It was just the heat of the moment! Don’t worry! It’s fine!” His hands are trembling, clenching at the sides of his arms, as if his skin were about to shatter to pieces.

 

“ _ Fuck-  _ Are you sure? I- Okay, okay, I’m going.” He hears them shuffle, quickly grabbing their bag, nearly falling over as they do so. “Okay, I- I’m going now. I’m  _ so _ sorry Kyle.”

 

“ _ You’re _ sorry?” Kyle nearly laughs, but the taste of metal holds him back. “I’m the one who should be sorry!” 

 

Wends is on the floor now, kneeling in front of him, begging for forgiveness to the boy in front of him, like some sort of temple statue, but the only thing in front of them is a broken mosaic of glass. “ _ Shitshitshitshitshit… _ Please understand, I love Stan and-”

 

“ _ I KNOW _ !” He didn’t mean to yell, but it hurts, it hurts and he has to get rid of the pain. “Of course I fucking know! I love him a lot too okay and he can't know-”

 

Wends eyes are wide, everything finally clicking into place in their mind. They know. “Wait, wait, wait… You said love in a weird way.”

 

And Kyle knows they know. “W-what do you mean?”

 

“Kyle…” It’s quiet, it’s so so quiet. “Are... Are you in love with Stan?”   
  


His eyes dart up to meet theirs, and he knows in his being that he is absolutely fucked. But their eyes are soft, much too soft, and so warm and he wants to melt in them but he’s so so terrified.

 

“I- I uh….” Kyle looks away, his throat full of little thorns that prick and stab him from the inside out, it’s hard to swallow them away. 

 

“ _ Oh _ . Oh no.” Their voice cracks under the pressure. “Oh no no no, this whole time I've been keeping you two apart and-” 

 

“Wends. Please…” He is already in pain, but seeing the hurt on their face is only making it worse. He doesn’t know how much more he can take. “Don't worry, it's nothing. Just...” He swallows. “Let's not tell him this happened and let's forget about this dumb kiss and that I've essentially just told you I'm in love with your boyfriend, ‘cause that's fucked up and I really care about the both of you,  and I am really fucking confused right now so please…” He’s rambling now, but he’s already accepted defeat. He is no longer in control, he never was. “This was just a silly mistake. I apologize and it won't happen again.”

 

Kyle surprises himself, raising to his feet without stumbling and grabs Wends’ bag for them. He leads them towards the door, wanting nothing more than to just be alone to try and wrap his fucking head around all his terrible feelings.

 

“Kyle wai-”

 

But he’s already made up his mind. “Please, Wendyl.”

 

Oh. He used their full name. They know he’s serious then. It hurts Kyle to use it, but he knows it’s for the best. They are both too broken now, they need to be as far away from each other as possible, no matter how badly it hurts them.

 

Wends nods with a broken sigh that weakens Kyle’s heart. He feels his bones bruise, but he doesn't stop them as they finally leave. 

 

“I don't think it was a mistake…” Wends suddenly halts, their fingers gripping tight around the edge of the door, knuckles white. “I meant every single word I said.” Their voice is louder now, there's strength in it, and Kyle is yet again amazed by their persistence. “I care about you, and I care about Stan. I don't know what the fuck is happening either, and you bet I’m scared as shit, but damn it Kyle I don't think for a second that what happened tonight was a mistake.” 

 

They look back at him, their eyes meeting for only a split second before Kyle breaks the spell. He doesn't say a word. He can’t. His heart, his head, his body, it all hurts. It all hurts so bad, and no words could ever heal that. 

 

He can only look, staring at their reflections on the door knob. Oh how distorted their figures have become. 

 

Wends sighs, tired, confused, heartbroken, “Just think about it, okay?” They give him one last look, “Goodnight Kyle.” Then they’re gone. 

 

Kyle suddenly stumbles back onto his bed. His legs had finally given, still trembling as he lays his head down. His tears finally escape him.

 

This couldn't have been a happy little accident. This was a mistake. It had to be,  _ it had to be _ . There’s no way it could have been anything else but a mistake. That’s all it is. It meant nothing. It  _ means  _ nothing.

 

But Kyle, poor Kyle, he also meant every word he had said. It scares him just how much he had meant it. He had really really meant it. 

 

It means everything.

  
  


 

* * *

 

 

  
  


Kyle isn’t fucking dumb. He knows this is dangerously turning into attraction, he knows he could be potentially lusting over the love of his life's “girlfriend”, he even knows that loneliness is starting to become an inevitable side effect to this entire situation, but there’s something else. There’s something entirely new and different and oh so very fucking terrifying about this. Kyle is beginning to realize just how important this person is becoming to him. Wends is turning into his light, and he never even realized his home was in need of it. He had thought Stan was the only person in the world that made any damn sense, but Wends is speaking to him in a language he didn't even know he could write poetry in. 

 

Stan  _ isn't _ the only person who understands him, and for some reason despite his terrible fucking confusion he somehow feels himself closer to finally understanding who he is. Where would Kyle be without this new amazing and wonderful person who has made themselves apart of his home so damn easily? Who even is he now? Definitely not the same person he was a few weeks ago, or hell even a few minutes ago, especially when Wends is turning into such a big part of his entire being...

  
  
  


But he supposes mistakes carry a sort of funny déja vu about them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  
  



End file.
